Humor Thread

[Raro]

>
>
> SMART ARSE ANSWERS
>
> 6th Place
>>>
>>>It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
>>>
>>>'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
>>>the
>>>front row.
>>>
>>>'What are my choices?' the man asked.
>>>
>>>'Yes or no,' she replied.
>>>
>>>
> 5th Place
>>>
>>>A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
>>>tickets.
>>>
>>>As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
>>>his trench coat and flashed her.
>>>
>>>Without blinking an eyelid she said,
>>>
>>>'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
>>>
>>>
> 4th Place
>>>
>>>A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
>>>but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
>>>
>>>She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
>>>
>>>The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
>>>
>
> 3rd Place
>>>
>>>The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
>>>for speeding.
>>>
>>>'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
>>>
>>>The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
>>>
>>>When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
>>>without a ticket.
>>>
>
> 2nd Place
>>>
>>>A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
>>>
>>>A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
>>>
>>>Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
>>>under it.
>>>
>>>Cars are backed up for miles.
>>>
>>>Finally, a police car comes up.
>>>
>>>The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
>>>
>>>And said to the driver,
>>>
>>>'Got stuck, eh?'
>>>
>>>The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
>>>petrol!'
>>>
>
> SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
>>>
>>>A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
>>>final exam.
>>>
>>>'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
>>>tomorrow.
>>>
>>>I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
>>>or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
>>>whatsoever!'
>>>
>>>
>>>A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
>>>
>>>
>>>'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
>>>utter
>>>sexual exhaustion?'
>>>
>>>The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
>>>
>>>When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
>>>shook her head and sweetly said,
>>>
>>>
>>>'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[John451]

It was the Mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same town.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift
cheque for $50.

At the second house they presented him a nice gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde in
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with passionate love. When he had
had enough they went downstairs, where she made a big breakfast of
Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cups
bottom edge. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but
what's the five dollars for?'

Well,' said the beautiful blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.
'I asked him what to give you'. He said, 'F**k him, give him fivebucks.
'She then smiled and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.

[drewl]

[34468 Randy]

Mr Fish
Mr not fish
Mr Fish
C.D.B.E.I's
Whale Oil
Beef Hooked
Mr Fish

If you can't figure this one out, I will translate later.

[johnwaz3661]

A boy asks his father the difference between theoretically and realistically. The father tells the boy to ask his sister if she would sleep with someone for a million dollars. The boy goes, comes back and tells him she said yes. The father tells the boy to ask his mother the same question, the boy leaves and returns with the same answer, yes. The father tells the boy, theoretically we have two million dollars, but realistically we live with two whores.

[34468 Randy]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[Comicus]

Mr Fish
Mr not fish
Mr Fish
C.D.B.E.I's
Whale Oil
Beef Hooked
Mr Fish

If you can't figure this one out, I will translate later.

Them are fish
Them are not fish
Them are fish
See the beady eyes
Well I'll be f*cked
Them are fish

I live in Tennessee and can speak redneck

[34468 Randy]

Them are fish
Them are not fish
Them are fish
See the beady eyes
Well I'll be f*cked
Them are fish

I live in Tennessee and can speak redneck

Hooorah. This was actually written in Newfaniese

[Comicus]

Hooorah. This was actually written in Newfaniese

Wow I didn't know they spoke redneck in Newfoundland

[34468 Randy]

When Joey fail to out run PoPo

Seven Stages of death Video

[34468 Randy]

Regardless of the cities best efforts and enforcement, drag racing continues in Vancouver.

Street_Drag_Racing.jpg

[crustyrider]

MR Ducks
MR NOT
CMwings
LILB MR ducks

[34468 Randy]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and
puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My wife is driving me crazy.

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why
am I tied to the bed?

[34468 Randy]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[John451]

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Oh so true

[34468 Randy]

Oh so true

I am better at being fiscally responsible when it come time to spending than my wife. With my paycheque I am able to pay off the mortgage, buy a new truck and fifth wheel. Pay the utilities and groceries. Pay for the vacations and home inprovements. I manage to do all this while what does the wife do with hers? Well she just puts the stuff in her little bank account and it sits there doing nothing.

[vfourbear]

MR Ducks
MR NOT
CMwings
LILB MR ducks

M R puppies
MR NOT
O S A R

C M P M

[34468 Randy]

So the wife and I are having a discussion about something this morning and we cannot come to an agreement. I take off my Levis and throw them at her and say "Put these on!"

She throws them to the floor and replies." I can't wear those!"

"That's right. Now we both know who wears the pants in this house."

She promptly removes her panty hose and passes them over to me. I am starting to get excited. She has come to realize what's what here. She says " Put these on." Now I am starting to get a bit hot. Didn't know she had this side to her. But alas, she is very petite.

"I can't get into these" I say in dissappointment.

She comes back in a cool calm voice, " That's right. And you never will until your attitude changes!"

[CARMINE]

ah ! I CAN understand this !
Lamps,
Carmine

[34468 Randy]

I gotta tell you guys, I just about peed with this one.

Freaky Best Man Speech

Unfortunately this clip was removed from the site from by the originator. Sorry folks it was indeed funny.

[kingsley]

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart, and as they had not been dating very long, and after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike just the right note---romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his friend, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. His friend bought a pair of silk panties for his wife. In Gift Wrap, the clerk unknowingly mixed up the items—the friend got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:



"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Originally, I was going to buy you the long ones with buttons, but then I remembered that your sister wears the short ones that are easier to remove. I know these are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during this coming year. I hope you will wear them on Friday night."

All my love, Ted
PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

[drewl]

Folded down with a little fur showing.

[crustyrider]

"a Man Escapes From Prison Where He Has Been For 15 Years. He Breaks Into A House To Look For Money And Guns And Finds A Young Couple In Bed. He Orders The Guy Out Of Bed And Ties Him To A Chair, While Tying The Girl To The Bed, He Gets On Top Of Her, Kisses Her Neck, Then Gets Up And Goes Into The Bathroom. While He's In There, The Husband Tells His Wife: "listen, This Guy's An Escaped Convict, Look At His Clothes!!! He Probably Spent Lots Of Time In Jail And Hasn't Seen A Woman Inyears, I Saw How He Kissed Your Neck, If He Wants Sex, Don't Resist, Don't Complain, Do Whatever He Tells You. This Guy Is Probably Very Dangerous, If He Gets Angry He'll Kill Us. Be Strong Honey, I Love You" To Which The Wife Responds: " He Wasn't Kissing My Neck. He Was Whispering In my Ear. He Told Me He Was Gay. Thought You Were Cute, And Asked If We Had Any Vaseline. I Told Him It Was In The Bathroom. Be Strong Honey. I Love You Too

[GreyVF750F]

Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folk's
home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were
married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual
orgasm?"

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and
said, "No, no, I think we had State Farm."
;-)

[malcster]

A priest,a minister,and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender says "Is this a joke"?......How do you make a blond,s eyes lightup?shine a flashlight in her ear....A horse walks into a bar,bartender says, ''Hey,why the long face"?.?, was the bartender blond?I am and have more fun than the average bear.Peace,eh!

[Davidvfr]

Bear Bells

In Alaska's National Forests, a tour guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic."

To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

[malcster]

Bear bells,barbells,beer bills,bar thrills,speed kills,was u born in Perth.Get me goin' I'm on Earth...sorry.Don't let the parte' stop.I think the tigers get too serious.Little gangsters

[Raro]

I got this email a few weeks back..

Dear Friends,
I want to thank you one and all for the e-mails you have
forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one
about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have
to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I
receive the $25,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending
me for participating in their special email programmes. Or
from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split
seven million pounds with me for pretending to be a long
lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a friend along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan , and even
Falkirk.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites my bum.
I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the
car park because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will
shit on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and fleas from
12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way ... a South American scientist after a lengthy
study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't
have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the
mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!*

[34468 Randy]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in house wares. Get on it right away.'
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna=2 0look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...

14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

[chomper]

.

1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


Wal-Mart

Randy next time you buy condoms ask the store clerk where their fitting room is