Humor Thread

[34468 Randy]

Hey Mods,

How about a section under Forums to post you favorite humor posts. I think there should be some sort of "guidelines" though. I can just imagine some of the off colour messages and jokes that would be posted. If contributors common sense does not prevail, you can always ...OMG...the "C" word... censor them or delete the forum al together. I can assure you, I have some myself. But as someone previously posted, they sometimes have their kids and or spouses looking over their shoulders while they are viewing this site.

Your thoughts....clean ones only please ?

[Y2Kviffer]

I second that motion. I started a similar post ..humor/joke forum.. but it didn't go far.

[34468 Randy]

For all you nurses and LEO out there:

A MOTORCYCLE PATROLMAN WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL WITH AN INFLAMED APPENDIX. THE DOCTOR OPERATED AND ADVISED HIM THAT ALL WAS WELL. HOWEVER, THE PATROLMAN KEPT FEELING SOMETHING PULLING AT THE HAIRS IN THE CROTCH. WORRIED THAT IT MIGHT BE A SECOND SURGERY THE DOCTOR HADN'T TOLD HIM ABOUT.

HE PULLED THE HOSPITAL GOWN UP ENOUGH SO HE COULD LOOK AT WHAT WAS MAKING HIM SO UNCOMFORTABLE. TAPED FIRMLY ACROSS HIS PUBIC HAIR WERE THREE WIDE STRIPS OF ADHESIVE TAPE. THE KIND THAT DOESN'T COME OFF EASILY.

WRITTEN IN LARGE BLACK LETTER WAS THIS SENTENCE:

'GET WELL SOON....FROM THE NURSE IN THE JEEP YOU PULLED OVER LAST WEEK'.

[drewl]

Very funny. These things really happen. I had to hand pick the crew that did my gallbladder out of fear of sharpie tattoos. My first surgery observation in school was a hysterectomy. The patient was the secretary at that hospital. She got a nice red heart with her significant other's initials in it right next to her mommy parts.

[reg71]

yeah, we hear that one a fair bit at work. makes us feel better.

You know LEOs are not bad patients, but nurses and doctors generally are. They always think they know whats better for them than everyone else so don't listen too well.

Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"

[John451]

This joke gave me my days first coffee spit :

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You
know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and some
things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it he
was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car looked at me and shouted,
" I'M NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked at him and said, "Well which one are you?"

[34468 Randy]

Originally Posted by reg71

yeah, we hear that one a fair bit at work. makes us feel better.

Back in 92 when I donated bone marrow, the morning after when I woke up, the surgeon came to see me, you know to check things out. For those who don't know, to harvest bone marrow, it is done from the rear of the hip bone. There were three very small punctured where the needle thingy went in. Not even a stitch required. Well they put a bandage on that was about 12" square. The doc came in and gently picked at a corner, then BANK! He just ripped the whole freeking thing off. Now I know what it must be like for women?

BTW, I had a hairy lower back before this and they did not shave. Wonder if I had given someone there a ticket somewhere along the way.

[34468 Randy]

Originally Posted by John451

This joke gave me my days first coffee spit :

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You
know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and some
things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it he
was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car looked at me and shouted,
" I'M NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked at him and said, "Well which one are you?"

This one reminds me of a suspected Impaired Driving stop I made years ago while posted to Campbell River, BC. I was following this van that was all over the road. Hit the lights and it pulled over right away. It was very dark. I was focusing on his eyes while he was still seated in the van. I asked him to step out to do some roadside sobriety tests.

He replied," I would love to but I can't."

When I asked him why not he opened his door. He had no legs from the mid thigh down on both legs. Like I did not feel like the complete idiot.

That was earlier in my career. I have never done roadside sobriety tests since and have caught and prosecuted untold Impaired Drivers since.

By the way. I did follow through with the quads impaired investigation at roadside. Had to use my alternative investigational skills. He was in fact sober. We had a great time laughing at my embarrassing situation there.

[elf800]

This guy needed to buy a brain he had 3 choices a McCain supporter, an independent, and an Obama supporter. The guy asks how much for each.. McCain $ 500 independent $1000 Obama $50000. The guy says DAM !! why is the Obama so much??!! The brain seller says becuase it never been used... hahaha hahha lol omg lol muhuhuhahaha rofl..slaps leg.. lol..

[Y2Kviffer]

Originally Posted by John451

This joke gave me my days first coffee spit :

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You
know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and some
things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it he
was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car looked at me and shouted,
" I'M NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked at him and said, "Well which one are you?"

Now that's funny right there....

[drewl]

Hey ladies and germs...
Why did the blonde nurse carry a red pen at work?

In case she needed to DRAW blood!!!

[Y2Kviffer]

what do you call three blondes standing ear to ear .......

a wind tunnel

[34468 Randy]

What do you call a blond with a measurable IQ?

A Golden Retriever.

[Y2Kviffer]

what do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?

an interpretor

[34468 Randy]

An airline pilot took on a new stewardess on what was going to be an overnight flight. This new girl was blond and a looker to boot. They arrived at their overnight destination and the pilot being the gentleman he was showed her around to the best places to shop eat and found her a nice hotel to stay at. He escorted her to her room and bid her a fair good night.

Next morning the pilot was waiting at his aircraft and no new stewardess. Where could she be?

So the pilot, knowing what hotel and what room called up to her room and spoke with the stewardess. She was in quite an emotional state.

"What's wrong?" asked the pilot.

The stewardess cried even louder. "I can't get out of my room. It has only three doors in this room. There is the bathroom, the closet, and the third room has a sign on it saying.'Do Not Disturb'".

[34468 Randy]

A blond admin clerk at a local office received a phone call. She immediately began to cry. Her boss came up to find out what was the matter.

"My mother just passed away but I will be OK. The boss told her to take the day off.

"No, I will be fine. I need to stay busy to take my mind off this."

About an hour later the boss was checking on the blond. She was more emotional than ever now. The boss asked if she was sure she wanted to stay at work.

The blond cried out " I just got a call from my twin sister. Her mother just died too!"

[Y2Kviffer]

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.?

Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[elf800]

There was a white guy brown guy and a black guy trying to have sex with a faRMers daughter. The farmer caught them, at gun point said you boys go pick your favorite fruit and come back in here. The white guy got strawberries and then the farmer put them up his ass. The brown guy got mangos and the farmer put them up his ass.. After that the white and brown guy were laughing very loud and the farmer said what are you boys laughing about?? They both replied he's out there picking a watermelons.........

[John451]

Originally Posted by Y2Kviffer

what do you call three blondes

Ahhh Blond Jokes:

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

[emptyskull]

Originally Posted by John451

This joke gave me my days first coffee spit :

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You
know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and some
things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it he
was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car looked at me and shouted,
" I'M NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked at him and said, "Well which one are you?"

That is funny.

[34468 Randy]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lighting. One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence, Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from South Carolina stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, well built, with sandy blond hair and blue eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped....

Then he spoke, "Iron this -- and get me a beer..."

[34468 Randy]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily
systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided theLatest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly
filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up thebed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.


He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended
up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard,(barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just
beat the shit out of a ghost."

[drewl]

That made me smile.

[John451]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because I'm the goalie'

[34468 Randy]

For the cat lovers.
FISH FUNERAL.jpg

[34468 Randy]

image7.jpg

image0011.jpg

INS4028.jpg

[SilverSurfer800]

You've gotta love Calvin and Hobbes...

[34468 Randy]

Originally Posted by SilverSurfer800

You've gotta love Calvin and Hobbes...

I was just about to post that one too!

[drewl]

Funny now, but at the time...

[Raro]

An old man is sitting waiting at the bus stop when a punker shows up. The punk rocker takes a seat at the other end of the bench and the old man stares at his multi-colored mohawk hair do.
"What's wrong with you old man? You never do anything crazy in your life?" says the punker.
"Yes" replies the old man "I once screwed a parrot and was wondering if you're my son?"