Dear Randy

[Nungboy]

Dear Randy,
I just cannot seem to get over this existential angst. Lately, the Buddhist observation that Life is Pain just has me totally bummed out. I can hardly listen to my chants nowadays. I mean, not everything I do is painful. Should I feel guilty or lucky if something makes me happy? Should I relinquish all my material things or is there a middle path between my attachments to my things and the "nothingness" that I feel when meditating?

Oh, and another thing, I have a certain amount of attraction to a certain minor Hindu divinity. Is it OK to be attracted to someone outside one's religion?

Signed,
Angst-Ridden in Tucson

[34468 Randy]

No questions for you Randy - Thanks for the laughs everyone

You appear to display the classic "I know everything" syndrom. You have no questions. If you don't have a question, obviously you think you know all the answers. This is unhealthy. You must develope yourself and come out of the closet. Start slow. Stand in front of a mirror by yourself and start by asking simple questions. Watch for signs of your body approving of what you are doing. You will know when you are starting to heal and are ready to share your curiosity with many out there in the world. Good luck Mark

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,
After reading your reply and thinking about it, it all came back to me.
I put down the plastic sheet, added insulation to better sound proof the garage, then started working on my bike again.
A few minutes later the wife and kids came back to ask when is supper, I drew my gun but the wife was faster, as I stood w/ my jaw dropped my son hit me over the head with a hammer.
How do I plot my revenge???? as it seems my reflexes are not as fast, as I am not a young man anymore.

We seem to change as we age. You state you are not a young man anymore and your reflexes are not what they used to be. I will assume your pecker is reluctant to re-act if it does at all now. Some things in life we just have to accept as a normal aging process and connot to anything to change.

I have advised others here the same. Cut a fine line of blow cause no one really gives a shit. Move on. I have.

[34468 Randy]

its hurts when i pee what can i do to stop the pain

You don't indicate if you are male or female. Either way, try a sex change operations. This may solve your issue. Beware though. It may create another

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

When I sneeze a little bit of pee comes out. Is this something I should be concerned about or just start wearing underwear?

Wear a condome. Youwill only have to change the rubber every 12 sneezes or so. Remember, suddenly changing your undergarments may cause undesired arousals that may become embarrasing. Make sure that any new undergarments are made with a higher quality cotton cause that plastic spandex shit doesn't absorb squat.

Another alternative is to wear a kilt. You can then air dry.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

I can't seem to break my addiction to this thread, how can I finally get control? I can only call in sick so many days.

Addicted to Dear Randy in Georgia

Don't concern yourself about being addicted to this thread. Addiction can only come to a substance. Any other profound desire to focus on an issue has much deeper roots. Fortunately if you continue to watch this thread and probably come up with a solution you can work on to help you overcome this need.

But in the short term you are now at a stage in your life where it would be acceptable to now start calling you mom, sister. Just remember, if your mom and dad get a divorce, you and your sister will still be first cousins and your dad will still be your uncle.

[MrDen]

Dear Randy,

I recently cut the soles off my shoes, sat in a tree, and learned to play the flute (as well as harmonica). While in the tree, I made the startling discovery that I could smell colors. I have since climbed down out of the tree, and now I find that I can taste music. I also see live people. As if all of this isn't enough to deal with, I now have a real dilema that I hope you can help me with. What should I have for lunch?

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

How can a midget ride a vfr?

Many cup holders available for cars can be adapted to fit your VFR someplace. Line this cup holder with the loop side of velcro, and dress your midget in fleece. He/she will stay put. For added security, wrap the little bugger with Duct Tape.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

Are you really randy or a libido?

Like the Wolfman of the radio waves, Dear Randy will remain a mystic if not very odd entity. But I have to ask...why do you need to know. Are there underlying issues that you wish to have answers to. There may be professionals out there to help you. Some work in clinics. and some work in clinics.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,
I just cannot seem to get over this existential angst. Lately, the Buddhist observation that Life is Pain just has me totally bummed out. I can hardly listen to my chants nowadays. I mean, not everything I do is painful. Should I feel guilty or lucky if something makes me happy? Should I relinquish all my material things or is there a middle path between my attachments to my things and the "nothingness" that I feel when meditating?

Oh, and another thing, I have a certain amount of attraction to a certain minor Hindu divinity. Is it OK to be attracted to someone outside one's religion?

Signed,
Angst-Ridden in Tucson

Be true to yourself. Just rememebr people should stay within their own faith and race. Inter racial relationships will fail. Take mine. It has been failing for over 23 years now. And I don't see an end to this. My first relationship was more successful. It was not inter-racial and it was far more successful. It failed in less that 5 years.

Someday in the future there will only be one race and one religion that we will all embrace. And I promise to be there for all of you to worship. In the mean time, do your thing and chant a little quieter. Your neighbours are complaining too.

[Keager]

Dear Randy,

Is 42 really the answer to it all?

[Tori]

Dear Randy,

If a "friend of mine" cheats on his wife, the girl he cheats with is called his mistress.
What would "the friend" be called in the same aspect ? The mistor ?

This has puzzled me for sometime.

Thanks.

[Nungboy]

Be true to yourself. Just rememebr people should stay within their own faith and race. Inter racial relationships will fail. Take mine. It has been failing for over 23 years now. And I don't see an end to this. My first relationship was more successful. It was not inter-racial and it was far more successful. It failed in less that 5 years.

Someday in the future there will only be one race and one religion that we will all embrace. And I promise to be there for all of you to worship. In the mean time, do your thing and chant a little quieter. Your neighbours are complaining too.

I feel much better now. Thank you, Randy.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

I recently cut the soles off my shoes, sat in a tree, and learned to play the flute (as well as harmonica). While in the tree, I made the startling discovery that I could smell colors. I have since climbed down out of the tree, and now I find that I can taste music. I also see live people. As if all of this isn't enough to deal with, I now have a real dilema that I hope you can help me with. What should I have for lunch?

This is very interesting and familiar. I cee a future for you by joining my staff of advisors.

First things first. Learn the Juice Harp. It is a very easy instrument to learn to play. Once that is mastered, go get yourself a banjo. And for kunch...a peanut butter and pickle sandwich with a bowl of Cream of Larvie soup. Hold the black flies.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

Is 42 really the answer to it all?

You appear to be an impatient person. Here you seem to have jumped to the end result without giving consideration as to how you got there. This is a logical ending for a vegitarian, but those of us who partake in the consumption of non organic food, do in fact make good crab trap bait.

[Scubalong]

Randy will be the top by rack up the post count at the month end...lol

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

If a "friend of mine" cheats on his wife, the girl he cheats with is called his mistress.
What would "the friend" be called in the same aspect ? The mistor ?

This as puzzled me for sometime.

Thanks.

Some may call him lucky. Some may call him crazy. His wife would likely call him bastard and we all would say he was fucked if found out.

[MrDen]

This is very interesting and familiar. I cee a future for you by joining my staff of advisors.

First things first. Learn the Juice Harp. It is a very easy instrument to learn to play. Once that is mastered, go get yourself a banjo. And for kunch...a peanut butter and pickle sandwich with a bowl of Cream of Larvie soup. Hold the black flies.

Thank you, oh wise one. It's all very clear now. By the way, I have already mastered the juice harp, so I suppose it's on to the banjo now. As far as lunch, the sammie was wonderful, but I substituted snake lip soup, as it is much heartier.

As far as joining your staff of advisors, I would consider that if the benefits outweigh the risks. You do know I'm retireded, don't you?

[diVeFR]

Dear Randy,

I just spit beer through my nostrils (hence the thanks on the one post) reading your replys. I dont want to switch to straight alcohol because it will burn more and the "fizz" in my sinuses from the beer feels kinda good. My question is how can I tell my girlfriend that 4 or more girls in our sex life is not enough for me??? Thanks.

Beer sneezeing and wanting more sex....

[Knife]

Dear Randy,

Are you really randy or a libido?

You lost me. Did you mean "placebo"?

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

I just spit beer through my nostrils (hence the thanks on the one post) reading your replys. I dont want to switch to straight alcohol because it will burn more and the "fizz" in my sinuses from the beer feels kinda good. My question is how can I tell my girlfriend that 4 or more girls in our sex life is not enough for me??? Thanks.

Beer sneezeing and wanting more sex....

When God created man so many years ago, He made man so, so that in the future, well after beer was first discovered, and after the eventuality of computers and the internet, there would be some turd wasting his time drinking beer, sitting at a computer and reading "Dear Randy". Enevitably something would be read where an involuntary reaction would result and there would be a need for the escape of recently ingested beer. If it were not for the nose, the only logical escape route would be the ears. And then you would shower the people sitting beside you.

Now getting to your problem convincing your girlfriend that 4 women during sex is not enough. Could it be that she is less concerned about sharing you with other women, than her concern for your feeling when after a year of looking and rejection, you cannot find anyone other than your girlfriend to have sex with? I believe the deep seated problem here could also be resolved to some degree with the frequency you and your girlfriend have sex. Start slow though...like up it to every "first date" anniversary first, then begin to include birthdays as well.

Wear Baseball Catchers Gloves to bed at night. Vaseline should be considered a banned product in your home.

[Joey_Dude]

Dear Randy,

Seeing as you were a LEO and you understand the love of VFRs, thought I'd dare ask this... What nonessential organ will yield me the most in the black market? I want to make a down payment for the VFR1200?

Craving VFRs in Georgia

[spid6813]

Dear Randy,

Who is the most famous canadian in history?? Besides yourself...

[Meatloaf]

Dear Randy,

I've recently decided that I've had all I can take of people that lack common sense, have an extreme amount of stupidity, or are otherwise a total drain on society. I'm seeking a resolution to remove them from my daily life. The thought has crossed my mind to join the UFFR in hopes that they might no longer be a part of my daily life. Is this a possible solution? If not, can you provide any other reasonable alternates?

Thanks,

Pissed at society in Indiana.

[VFRShorty]

Dear Randy,

When I sneeze a little bit of pee comes out. Is this something I should be concerned about or just start wearing underwear?

Randy, this guy stole my question. Should I send him dirty diapers in the mail??

[fredsncoma]

Randy, this guy stole my question. Should I send him dirty diapers in the mail??

Randy if Shorty has got dirty diapers at his diposal his problem has progressed much further than mine and should be addressed soon. Are involuntary bowel movements something I should plan for in the future also?

Also, Randy, is it legal to send dried fecal matter through the USPS and if so how should I proceed if I receive some?

[Knife]

Randy if Shorty has got dirty diapers at his diposal his problem has progressed much further than mine and should be addressed soon. Are involuntary bowel movements something I should plan for in the future also?

Also, Randy, is it legal to send dried fecal matter through the USPS and if so how should I proceed if I receive some?

The thing I dread most is anal leakage. Just sayin'. I understand it can ruin a date.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

Seeing as you were a LEO and you understand the love of VFRs, thought I'd dare ask this... What nonessential organ will yield me the most in the black market? I want to make a down payment for the VFR1200?

Craving VFRs in Georgia

An interesting question. There could be many answers depending on the organ donor. But in your particular case, world leaders in Scientific Examination are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to examine your brain. But i seriously advise you to buy your bike first and make me the beneficiary of your will.

On a seroius note, Bone Marrow is an organ that is in extreme need. It is used to combat many cancers and is the only resort for many. The best opportunity for Bone Marrow match is from a sibling but that is not always available. The Red Cross runs an Unrelated Bone Marrow Donor Registry world wide. Chances of finding an Unrelated Bone Marrow Doner is upwards of 1 - 750.000. The medical proffession is becoming extremely successful in their transplants of bone marrow.

This is something you can easily do while alive. And you will be riding again in a couple days. I haven't been told this. I haven't read this. I have lived it. What is removed from you in a painless proceedure, is replaced by your system in about two weeks. As a matter of fact, like blood donation, this is a good thing for you health wise too.

Now...back to the serious stuff. Scientists may find themselves dissappointed after examining your brain Joey. There is a strong possibility they may find some of that flourecent green matter there.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

Who is the most famous canadian in history?? Besides yourself...

David Letterman

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

I've recently decided that I've had all I can take of people that lack common sense, have an extreme amount of stupidity, or are otherwise a total drain on society. I'm seeking a resolution to remove them from my daily life. The thought has crossed my mind to join the UFFR in hopes that they might no longer be a part of my daily life. Is this a possible solution? If not, can you provide any other reasonable alternates?

Thanks,

Pissed at society in Indiana.

Common sence is uncommon. If it were not for stupid people, no one would realize just how intallagant you and me is. And if we did not have these people around to spend our valuable monitary resources on, then the politicians of the world would have even more money available to them to use in their normal wise manner.

To become a productive memeber of the UFRR (I assume that is what you meant), one must submitt a two line reume to the Presidential Primer Minister for approval. The Immigration process can take a wahile as none has been established as of the date of this writing. Staff are working on this as we speak. A polygraph test will have to be undertakesn and anyone who passes will immediately be rejected.

Good luck in your atempts to escape the wrath of day to day life. When you piss, take good aim. And if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.