Dear Randy

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

There is a how shall I say it, a grammar nazi, I have to work with. She insists on using e.mail (note the dot) while I prefer just email. How should I take care of this email dilemma?

E.mail vs Email in Georgia

This is relatively an easy issue to deal with. The only difference between e.mail and email the "." She has a period and you don't. There are times you should aviod contact with those who have a period. Now if you had said the was a grammar nazi and he insisted on using using e.mail, then I would be asking you if you are out. Move on.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy:

Well, with some trepidation I once again followed your advice. I had my penile skin grafted to my nasal passages to repair the damage. Now all is well, except every time I sneeze my nose gets hard, then starts contracting viloently, then shoots snot, and then softens up once again. It's a bit disconcerting, to say the least. Thank you (I think).

Sincerely,

Knife the Nose Boner

You did not say, does your sneezing happen when you are intimate with yoru partner, or when you scratch or pick your nose. If this becomes a problem that you cannot overcome, try snorting some wasabi powder, 2 times a day for 10 days.

[jasonsmith]

Okay..... who brought this back to life!!!

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy:

i have the most ungratefull wife i spent my whole weekend building a fence and i ran out of slates and screws when i told her we needed four more slates and more screws she said how you fucked something up i know you did keep in mind she made the shoping list for 44ft of 4ft wood fence but shes the one that fucked up the slates mesure 5 1/2 in and claim 6 so i ended up 44in short so how do you make an ungratefull wife gratefull?

A tough one. A slat is a board correct. And what do you do with screws. So when your and or your wife find yourself board, time to consideer what you do with the screws. Does that work?

[34468 Randy]

That was great...............LMAO
Now I have the same problem.

In your case, instead of snorting wasabi powder, because of you enthnic back ground, you should snort honey bees. But yours should not be powdered. Fresh would work best for you.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

Lately I have noticed a pronounced increase in my inability to decide.

I'm not really sure where this is indecisiveness is coming from or why.

I keep thinking there must be something that I'm missing, but cant decide what it might be

I have prepared this visual aid to assist me,




So far it hasnt helped much, maybe you can make some sense of it all, but I just dont know.

You have not said how old you were. Based on what you indicate to me here is that you are probably in the 30 - 40 year old male group. You have just left your mom's home and it was a very upsetting departure on your part. You mom has been a huge part of your life. You have been dependant on her for advise and approval for any decisions that you had to make thus far in your pathetic life. You need to cut the apron strings and get on with your life.

I have prepareded this visual to carry in your wallet for reference whenever you find yourself unable to decide what to do. A wise person would carry a log to make sure he does not become unballanced.

2098.jpg

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

I have a problem.
I belong to an online forum about motorcycles. I have been an avid rider for about two years now. I love my bike more than my children. I have even included it in my will. Some say that is a little obsessive, but "BAH."
That is not my issue. This forum...it has me by the short and curlies. I HAVE to check it like 10 times a day at least. And it gets worse. Every time I check it, I feel the need to post something. It started with meaningful, insightful things. I tried to learn as much as I could. I tried to help others with what I learned. But then I had less substance to share and I could not stop posting. I even went as far as starting a thread about absolutely NOTHING. That thread (The Tiger, you may have heard of it) has taken on a life of its own. It just keep going and growing! And my need to post is insatiable.

Any advice would be helpful.

Post Hooer

I don't understand. You may have touched something that is growing. Wear a catchers mitt. The Kellog Food company has asked me to advise you to cease with their trademark.

[34468 Randy]

Okay..... who brought this back to life!!!

I was away having diner at Gov't House. My behaviour did not change. Chuck was waiting for me to leave so he could go there today.

[jasonsmith]

I was away having diner at Gov't House. My behaviour did not change. Chuck was waiting for me to leave so he could go there today.

[diVeFR]

You have not said how old you were. Based on what you indicate to me here is that you are probably in the 30 - 40 year old male group. You have just left your mom's home and it was a very upsetting departure on your part. You mom has been a huge part of your life. You have been dependant on her for advise and approval for any decisions that you had to make thus far in your pathetic life. You need to cut the apron strings and get on with your life.

I have prepareded this visual to carry in your wallet for reference whenever you find yourself unable to decide what to do. A wise person would carry a log to make sure he does not become unballanced.

Attachment 9847

OMG I was just going to post about a simular problem... Ok, so Im like 37 years old and l live with my mom in her basement. I LOVE Cheetos... but not the regular type I love the spicey fries type. Now I have an orange penis and my taint is hurtfully burning. My question is since I travel a lot... what GPS would you recomened for the VFR?

Sincerely,

Mom always yelling at me to get a real job and get off the computer and my taint is on fire but feels kinda good.

[34468 Randy]

OMG I was just going to post about a simular problem... Ok, so Im like 37 years old and l live with my mom in her basement. I LOVE Cheetos... but not the regular type I love the spicey fries type. Now I have an orange penis and my taint is hurtfully burning. My question is since I travel a lot... what GPS would you recomened for the VFR?

Sincerely,

Mom always yelling at me to get a real job and get off the computer and my taint is on fire but feels kinda good.

37 and living in your mom's basement suite is likely a front for actually sleeping in the same bed as mom. This should be discouraged at your age. By now, the benifits of breast feeding have long passed.

Cheetos called me to say he does not love you so you need to break off this relationship soon and clean. To further this relationship would only lead to Cheetos witholding the spicy stuff. If this were to happen, you could try to lessen the blow by rubbing Caustic Soda in your taint area. It is a safe product to use. It is commonly used in the Brewing Industry to dissolve the foil labels off bottles.

But beware. This product is more intense than what Cheetos has to offer. Lard tunderin jesus your pubic pits will be afire.

GPS systems should be avoided at all costs. They all have those annoying voices that keep telling your to "Turn around" and when you do, you end up running smack into the back of some fucking bus. Buy a map.

Your mom must not be aware that you must be on the computer to remain successful in your Internet Porn business. Show her what you do. She may get excited and join you to take this business into a whole new erection....direction.

Wash you hands.

[Joey_Dude]

LOL I'm late adding this note about the thread but this is awesome!!! I can't believe I'm saying this about a LEO but Randy is one cool dude!

This "Dear Randy" idea is brilliant and those answers are hilarious!

[MrDen]

LOL I'm late adding this note about the thread but this is awesome!!! I can't believe I'm saying this about a LEO but Randy is one cool dude!

This "Dear Randy" idea is brilliant and those answers are hilarious!

I must agree. That a personage of Randy's esteemedness would choose to spend his time helping fellow riders is, well, heartwarming to say the least. This places Randy in the top echelon of peoples.

Kudos to the Presidential Prime Minister, and many thanxes as well!

[34468 Randy]

The prevoius two post display the classic symptoms of person's who will do thier best find common ground with those who are of the profession who enforce laws put in place by elected officials. This is commonly referred to as "SUS". Many believe this is short for "Suspect' when in fact it is a acronym for Sucking Up Syndrom. These people commonly believe that the enforcement of traffic laws and the resulting funds collected from fines go to bolstering local government coffers. This simply in not true. Fine monies are collected and put aside for uses that are of bennifit to the community as a whole. It goes to such programs as getting the LEO off the road by offering him a pension at early retirement. Portions also go towards providing free refreshements to LEO's at the annual Policeman's Ball.

On behalf of all retired LEOs out there, I want to thank you very much. My pension buys me a lot of toys.

Joey....if you ever find your way out here to the west coast of Canada, I do have an arrangement in place to come out of retirement to greet you personally.

[MrDen]

that was utterly devastating. i've NEVER been called a SUS before. i don't know if i can ever recover from this. maybe is should write to Dear Randy.
oh screw it, i'm gonna go ride my bike...

[Scubalong]

Randy is a crazy canuk and a great one. One of this day I will head out to Canada to drink brandy and smoke a good cigar with him. See you in SLO 2010
BTW....... Dear Randy I have a serious problem, What ever toys I see out there I want them so what should I do. And if I bought some thing is that mean I am supporting the economy and help Obama achive his dream?

[300shooter]

Dear Randy, I have this ongoing fear and extreme hatred towards Jack Russel Terriers, ( I believe you know what I'm talking about) , I've tried to relieve my aggression on various members of the deer, moose and bear families with different methods of dispensing them,compound bow, 300 win mag, 12 ga, hell , even a supersonic speed airgun. Alas, this has not satisfied my need to exact revenge on the little nad biters. My question is this, what firearm would you suggest for one of these vicious beasts, H&K SL-8, in .223, Rem 700 in 300 Winmag, Benelli M-4 in 12 ga. or the silent but deadly Hoyt Katera. I can't consider the handguns because as we all know here in Canuckistan these cannot be used for hunting and are relegated to the status of "safe queens" until we get a CCW law in this country.
Please advise, I get so confused staring into my gun room not knowing which toy to play with, they all look so lonely.................

[34468 Randy]

Randy is a crazy canuk and a great one. One of this day I will head out to Canada to drink brandy and smoke a good cigar with him. See you in SLO 2010
BTW....... Dear Randy I have a serious problem, What ever toys I see out there I want them so what should I do. And if I bought some thing is that mean I am supporting the economy and help Obama achive his dream?

The desire to own toys is deep rooted. A person displying an extreme desire to own everything is likely due to oppression he or she experiences at the hands of his/her parents when they were younger. Long, I believe you were probably kept at bay by your parents who locked you in a closet the majority of the time when you were a child in their feeble attempts to cure you of your want of materialistic things. They probably feed you a steady diet of rice, and to slow down your consumption, made you eat it with little sticks instead of a fork.

You are an adult now. You can make decisions as to what and when you aquire your "toys" It is important though that you not go seriously in debt to aquire these items. This is not what your President Obama has in mind to bring the US out of this global recession. Pay cash. You will stimulate the economy while not further creating a debt problem. Don't have the cash? Pimp yourself out. It won't be just the economy you stimulate. You live in SF don't you?

BTW. You are welcome here anytime.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy, I have this ongoing fear and extreme hatred towards Jack Russel Terriers, ( I believe you know what I'm talking about) , I've tried to relieve my aggression on various members of the deer, moose and bear families with different methods of dispensing them,compound bow, 300 win mag, 12 ga, hell , even a supersonic speed airgun. Alas, this has not satisfied my need to exact revenge on the little nad biters. My question is this, what firearm would you suggest for one of these vicious beasts, H&K SL-8, in .223, Rem 700 in 300 Winmag, Benelli M-4 in 12 ga. or the silent but deadly Hoyt Katera. I can't consider the handguns because as we all know here in Canuckistan these cannot be used for hunting and are relegated to the status of "safe queens" until we get a CCW law in this country.
Please advise, I get so confused staring into my gun room not knowing which toy to play with, they all look so lonely.................

A quandry to be sure. First thing one must when they find themselves in this particular situaltion is re focus. Broaden your horizons to take in all eventualities. Instead of focusing on the Jack Russel, use som eimaginative measures. To be sure, The Jack will always be there. But with a simple change of one word, everything changes. Think Jack Daniels.

Now the other issue. Yes, Canuckistan, formerly the tiny nation of Canabodia, has Firearms Legislations that hampers many in thier beliefs on Firearm Ownership. But this is not a firearm:YouTube - LRAD Sound Weapon... Not so bad! G20 Scenes from Lawrenceville

[fredsncoma]

Dear Randy,

Pardon me if you have already answered this question, but I have to kow and you have almost all the answers.

Is the hokie pokie what it is all about?????

[Lgn001]

Dear Randy,

I am usually content and have very few problems in my life. I took up smoking cigars, drinking too much, gambling and womanizing, in the hopes of becoming unhealthy and miserable, but that has only made me happier.

What am I doing wrong?

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

Pardon me if you have already answered this question, but I have to kow and you have almost all the answers.

Is the hokie pokie what it is all about?????

The Hokie Pokie is a ritual practiced by only the most intelectual people. It is one of the most secretive and sacred rituals a person can perform. But it must be done right. Failure to to the Hokie Pokie in the precise manner will lead to certain appendages becoming inactive and rotting to the point they fall off the body. Then you must squat to pee. Then again, maybe you already do this not that there is anything wrong with that. I am sure your wife would appreciate this amnner anyways.

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

I am usually content and have very few problems in my life. I took up smoking cigars, drinking too much, gambling and womanizing, in the hopes of becoming unhealthy and miserable, but that has only made me happier.

What am I doing wrong?

You seem to be a man with his life set down in good order. But you want some adventure in your otherwise boring life. This is why you have chosen to take a few risk with the cigars and all. To succeed in making your life a bit on the miserable side, try this:

1. Leave your cigars out in the sun for two weeks befroe you smoke them.
2. Switch to blended scotch, or even better, Bourbon.
3. Use only M&M's to gamble with. Green ones only.
4. Womanize only with women who are over 85 years of age.
5. Strike your thumb with a hammer.
and last but not least, if all this fails, get married.

Good luck.

[Knife]

Dear Randy:

There's a profound mystery that has been haunting me nearly my entire life. It keeps me awake nights trying to fathom its meaning, and I fear insanity is fast approaching. Can you end this torture and explain to me just why it was that Jimi Hendricks felt it necessary to excuse himself before he kissed the sky?

Useless in Seattle,

Flashback Jack

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy:

There's a profound mystery that has been haunting me nearly my entire life. It keeps me awake nights trying to fathom its meaning, and I fear insanity is fast approaching. Can you end this torture and explain to me just why it was that Jimi Hendricks felt it necessary to excuse himself before he kissed the sky?

Useless in Seattle,

Flashback Jack

Jimmie's earl demise is not really factual. He is still with us. One needs to break down and disect one of his writings to get a true understanding of what may have happened and where Jimmie really is.

Purple Haze is commonly believed to be a psychedelic reference to fog. But the word "haze" has other meaningsa as well. It may refer to one's mental confusion such as you are suggesting you are beginning to encounter. "Haze' also has a ritual meaning, as in, a person may get hazed. The process of hazing is to subject a person to pranks and humiliating horseplay. This is a ritual practiced by many Navies when a sailors first crossing of the equator takes place. He is ritually hazed in a very public manner on ship by his ship mates.

Now to this you need to add the word Purple. Purple in fact is not a colour but a combinatin of two of the base colours, But for the sake of arguement here, we will call it a colour. History has indicated to us that this colour was traditionally worn by royalty or the Soveriegn. Thus came the phrase "born to purple". But today the colour purple is closely associated with those who live an alternative lifestyle. This was beginning to show up just about the time Jimmie recorded this song.

So what happened to Jimmie? Was/is he living an alternative lifestyle somewhere after he was forced into this mode by being hazed? Is he still walking around his grandmothers old restaurant in downtown Vancouver in disguise? Is he planning on coming out in public again, having been secretely married to Sir Elton John all these years. What a foopa. Gay inter-racial old musicians who can no longer smoke dope cause it will interfer with their inhalers they need to breath.

Go see your doctor. You need pills.

I see you signed yourself "Useless in Seattle" You should shorten that signature by eliminating the last two words.

If all else fails, drink more beer.

[Meatloaf]

Dear Randy,

The other day my significant other was complaining of an "itch" "down there." Being a caring person, I felt obligated and happy to help relieve her of her "itch." After helping her, she said that the "itch" was much less and felt better so I continued to help relieve her of said "itch." While things seem to be improving for her, I have also developed said "itch." Making matters worse, it seems that the more I help relieve her of said "itch", the worse my "itch" gets and she doesn't seem to be able to help me with it like I have her. What should I do here? It almost seems as if this itch gets passed from person to person and as it gets better for the one that had it first, it gets worse for the person relieving the "itch." Does logic follow that if I were able to relieve her of said "itch" but seemed to catch it from her that I need to find some other woman that is capable of relieving this "itch".

Sincerely,

Caught an itch

[Keager]

a friend once told me a blow job cures all. Is that true? If so, how can I prove it to my wife, or talk her into it?

[34468 Randy]

Dear Randy,

The other day my significant other was complaining of an "itch" "down there." Being a caring person, I felt obligated and happy to help relieve her of her "itch." After helping her, she said that the "itch" was much less and felt better so I continued to help relieve her of said "itch." While things seem to be improving for her, I have also developed said "itch." Making matters worse, it seems that the more I help relieve her of said "itch", the worse my "itch" gets and she doesn't seem to be able to help me with it like I have her. What should I do here? It almost seems as if this itch gets passed from person to person and as it gets better for the one that had it first, it gets worse for the person relieving the "itch." Does logic follow that if I were able to relieve her of said "itch" but seemed to catch it from her that I need to find some other woman that is capable of relieving this "itch".

Sincerely,

Caught an itch

To reduce the itchy feeling your woman may be experiencing, give her a liberal applicatin of this product directly to the itch. Twice a day for two weeks.

http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/urdefense_2077_16124334

For yourself, transferred itch is easily removed with this de-appliction devise:

Bosch 1295D Random Orbital Sander - NewWoodworker.com LLC

Have plenty of fluids and towels handy during treatment though.

[34468 Randy]

a friend once told me a blow job cures all. Is that true? If so, how can I prove it to my wife, or talk her into it?

I am surprised you are asking me that question when the answer has been readily available to you on many occassions. And right before your eyes. Next time, just ask him if it is all better.

[Keager]

I am surprised you are asking me that question when the answer has been readily available to you on many occassions. And right before your eyes. Next time, just ask him if it is all better.

I said wife!