World's Longest Oil Change (humor)

[Rat]

This is a story I had written several years ago in another moto-forum, in regards to my then spanking-new '01 R1, minutes after an actual event:
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So, I had decided it was time for an oil & filter change...
Sounds simple enough right?

Well, the last oil & filter change was done by the service guys at my local Honda / Yamaha dealership, where I bought the bike.
It was the 600 mile initial service.

I picked up the oil & filter today @ "the dealership".
(BTW - they charged me for a new drain plug crush washer but it never made it into the bag...)

The evening before a big ride planned for the next morning, as soon as I got home, I dropped the lower fairing, plopped my new drain pan under the bike in the appropriate spot, grabbed the necessary tools, a cold beer, and set to taking care of this quick maintenance task.

I've done countless oil & filter changes over the years.
Should be done in about 10-15 minutes.
Piece-of-cake, right?

Nope...

The 17mm drain plug would not budge with a regular 3/8" drive ratchet. I banged it with my hand a few times.
It was resolute in it's assigned duty to retain the oil within the machine.
Next I added a bit of leverage with a 1 foot length of pipe over the ratchet handle.
Then a somewhat longer hunk of pipe.
No luck.

OK, time for the big guns - got out a 1/2" drive breaker bar, a bit more than 2 feet long.

After a bit of grunting, and nearly rocking the bike off the swingarm stand (with me underneath to “catch” my 400lb bouncing baby pride-and-joy), the drain plug snapped loose suddenly - My heart stopped as I instinctively checked the plug for bits of aluminum threading stuck to it from the oil pan.
Lucked out, it looked OK.
What did those idiots tighten this with? A steamfitter’s boiler wrench?
It's only a 17mm bolt! (which was threaded into aluminum, and even has a sealing washer).

By this time, it's been almost an hour into a 10 minute job, and I've worked up a sweat in the cold garage.
I take a quick break for my 2nd beer (Widmer "Drop Top Amber" - very nice! try it if you can find it; highly recommended).

So, about 10 minutes later, with palpable relief, figuring the worst is over, I go after the filter with the new Craftsman rubber "strap wrench" I recently bought just for this purpose.
15 or 20 minutes of fiddling and fussing, and the wrench does nothing except put a dent in the side of the filter, but said filter doesn't even think about budging.
I grab my old trusty steel self-tightening strap filter wrench. It only worsened the first dent, but also completely flattened the back side of the filter (it certainly “self-tightened”!)

*Recalcitrant: “staunch opposition to authority; repugnance; stubborn resistance”.
- Doesn’t even begin to describe the filter’s apparent disposition!

OK, now I'm stuck (no pun intended). I can't ride the bike tomorrow with the filter in this condition. It's gotta come off no matter what.
I regretfully realize that I have no choice but to proceed with "arthroscopic surgery" - The old punch a screwdriver through the filter trick.

I'll make this brief - After about another 1/2 hour, the filter now has 6 holes in it in various places (looking like so many bullet holes, which had begun to cross my mind...), and shagged sheetmetal bits waiting to rip flesh... It basically started to tear open, and still hadn't budged.

So, after resting a bit, and dropping Drop Top # 3 down my gullet, I am thinking a bit “creatively” now...(& frankly, pretty much out of options)...
I decide to try to loosen it by using a hammer and chisel around the thick steel mounting base, and attempt to unscrew it sorta like a shock lockring.
Another 1/2 hour of this, and it's rotated about 1/2".
Well, some progress, if minimal. But it seems to want to go no further, even after another 1/2 hour of pounding.

Arrgghh!
WTF did those ham-fisted gorillas put this on with? Something made for a steam locomotive? A pneumatic wrench set to “Warp the time/space continuum”??

Drop Top #4 is now history, and I have concluded that nothing is going to get this little sheetmetal & paper SOB off the bike except "open surgery".

I have at it with wire cutters & sheetmetal sheers, until there's no more oil filter remaining, just the hard steel base screwed onto the boss, and about a 1/4" high center pipe. (the base is now covered in little hack & slash marks from the hammer & chisel).

Drop Top #5 goes down in two (satisfying) gulps.

I've now been at this 10 minute task for over 2 hours(!), and have almost a six pack of dead soldiers in my garage trash can.

Last resort - With my old mechanics shop teacher's wisdom ringing in my head - "Always use the right tool for the job...", I grab the ViseGrips, and latch onto the narrow steel center pipe remaining from the filter’s base flange.

About another 1/2 hour, and several bloody (& oily) knuckles later, I am finally looking at the shiny clean oil filter boss & mounting area on the crankcase...

Drop Top #6 - It's official, a six pack!
Buuurrrppp!

The rest of the job takes about 10 minutes...
Except for the 1/2 hour or so cleaning up oil from the headers, bottom of the crankcase, sidestand, and my previously pristine garage floor.
(Even the best surgeons make a mess during major surgery like this).

Now, I'm taking a break to get this off my chest and vent my frustration, and I'll go back and bolt the fairing lowers back up, and pour in the new oil.
And I'll go to bed exhausted! (& slightly buzzed!)
I’m out of beer now, but frankly don’t need any more!

This "10 minute task" has taken almost 3 hours!!

I'll never take my bike back to those buffoons for anything!
They cannot even get the simplest job right, an oil & filter change, without botching everything they touch.

G’night!
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[RVFR]

Damn My man, great write up. boy have I heard this more than once, makes one wonder just what it is those baboons are trying to prove in tightening things up like that. Nice save, I've also heard a many not so good an out come.

[R.W.]

That was a good read, I think we've all been in that situation before, I just had an all out brawl with my Jeep Cherokee lug nuts, as far as the oil change on bikes, I never been past the "arthroscopic surgery" with the screwdriver

[grayflare]

I was an automotive mechanic before and I would not do that to anyone. With that being said I have gotten cars in before after another mechanic (and I use this term very loosely) has worked on it. I know exactly how you feel. You get a job that pays .5 hours and it takes you much longer because of some moron who thinks that red locktite and an air impact is needed to keep his manhood from being questioned.

[reg71]

had a similar deal on my big red ford the first time i changed it. I bought a set of filter pliers and I never worry bought that anymore. those bad boys will bite right into the ring and get it off as long as it's not welded in place (and maybe even then!)

great write up, though, and now I want one of those brewskies!