Humor Thread

From now on, whenever you look at an outlet, You'll think of this...Your welcome!

 

Hydro is having sex all over my living room and kitchen right now. We are trying to get ready for dinner!

 

So. Wife and I sit down to watch a movie neither of us have seen before. Then it starts. The onset of question after question from my wife about the movie

Like WTF! Was I the director or something?

 

The 3 stages of sex.

- Sex all over the house. Newly wed sex

- Sex in the bedroom . Married with kids sex

-Hallway sex. Later years of marriage. Passing each other in the hallway "Fuck you! No, Fuck You!"

 

I have a friend that is actually going through that. Seriously. Don't know how they live under the same roof together. Guess it is better than paying lawyers to negotiate how much of your possessions and assets you will not get to keep because your legal bills are too high.

I am sure lawyers just love pig headed people going through a divorce. They will argue for weeks on end who gets to keep that teaspoon from the Grand Canyon given to them by a mutual friend so long ago, they don't even remember the name.

Divorce Lawyer: "Mr. Smith. We have a strong case for your keeping this spoon. I will research the precedence to show why the man is just as entitled as the woman to keep souvenir spoons. It should only take a few days to put this together and I will just tack it onto my bill."

 

A Yank lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from America and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!! Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."
Yank Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Yank Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration,please."
Yank Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that's the law... License and registration, please!"
Yank Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The Yank Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me ta stop...... or just slow doon?"

 

While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."

 

Bwahahaha...

Didn't see the punchline coming, Lint!

 

Lol that we have the same joke on both sides of the pond Nelix! Canada too Randy?

 

I've seen this one or one similar a few years ago. Funny then, funny now and likely to be funny next time I see it too.

 

It wasn't a punch line at all. It was a sticking point.

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CANADA WHEN ...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at
Christmas.
4. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
5. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in
with snow.
6. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
7. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
8. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
9. You find -40C a little chilly.
10. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
11. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelery and your Sorels.
12. You understand the Labatts Blue commercials.
13. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".

 

So. I phoned the doctor's office and spoke with the receptionist there.

" I need a doctor's appointment" I said.

Receptionist replied." How about 10 tomorrow?"

"I don't need that many."

 

Got no problem with that.

 

Doctor: It looks like you are pregnant.

Woman: I'm pregnant?

Doctor: No. It just looks like you are.

 

That's when the fight started.