Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Well-Known Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    11,749
    Likes Received:
    168
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    Hey Mods,

    How about a section under Forums to post you favorite humor posts. I think there should be some sort of "guidelines" though. I can just imagine some of the off colour messages and jokes that would be posted. If contributors common sense does not prevail, you can always ...OMG...the "C" word... censor them or delete the forum al together. I can assure you, I have some myself. But as someone previously posted, they sometimes have their kids and or spouses looking over their shoulders while they are viewing this site.

    Your thoughts....clean ones only please ?
     
  2. Y2Kviffer

    Y2Kviffer Active Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    May 12, 2008
    Messages:
    1,158
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    RALEIGH, NC
    Map
  3. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Well-Known Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    11,749
    Likes Received:
    168
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    For all you nurses and LEO out there:

    A MOTORCYCLE PATROLMAN WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL WITH AN INFLAMED APPENDIX. THE DOCTOR OPERATED AND ADVISED HIM THAT ALL WAS WELL. HOWEVER, THE PATROLMAN KEPT FEELING SOMETHING PULLING AT THE HAIRS IN THE CROTCH. WORRIED THAT IT MIGHT BE A SECOND SURGERY THE DOCTOR HADN'T TOLD HIM ABOUT.

    HE PULLED THE HOSPITAL GOWN UP ENOUGH SO HE COULD LOOK AT WHAT WAS MAKING HIM SO UNCOMFORTABLE. TAPED FIRMLY ACROSS HIS PUBIC HAIR WERE THREE WIDE STRIPS OF ADHESIVE TAPE. THE KIND THAT DOESN'T COME OFF EASILY.

    WRITTEN IN LARGE BLACK LETTER WAS THIS SENTENCE:

    'GET WELL SOON....FROM THE NURSE IN THE JEEP YOU PULLED OVER LAST WEEK'.
     
  4. drewl

    drewl Well-Known Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    5,755
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    53
    Location:
    Virginia Beach, Va
    Map
    Very funny. These things really happen. I had to hand pick the crew that did my gallbladder out of fear of sharpie tattoos. My first surgery observation in school was a hysterectomy. The patient was the secretary at that hospital. She got a nice red heart with her significant other's initials in it right next to her mommy parts.
     
  5. reg71

    reg71 Poser Staff Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2006
    Messages:
    9,260
    Likes Received:
    64
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Location:
    Atascadero, California, United States
    Map
    yeah, we hear that one a fair bit at work. makes us feel better. :biggrin:

    You know LEOs are not bad patients, but nurses and doctors generally are. They always think they know whats better for them than everyone else so don't listen too well.

    Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
     
  6. John451

    John451 Insider

    Country:
    Australia
    Joined:
    May 21, 2004
    Messages:
    2,814
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Sydneys South, 8 minutes from the RNP
    This joke gave me my days first coffee spit :

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
    the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You
    know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and some
    things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it he
    was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car looked at me and shouted,
    " I'M NOT HAPPY!!!"

    So I looked at him and said, "Well which one are you?"
     
  7. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Well-Known Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    11,749
    Likes Received:
    168
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    Back in 92 when I donated bone marrow, the morning after when I woke up, the surgeon came to see me, you know to check things out. For those who don't know, to harvest bone marrow, it is done from the rear of the hip bone. There were three very small punctured where the needle thingy went in. Not even a stitch required. Well they put a bandage on that was about 12" square. The doc came in and gently picked at a corner, then BANK! He just ripped the whole freeking thing off. Now I know what it must be like for women?

    BTW, I had a hairy lower back before this and they did not shave. Wonder if I had given someone there a ticket somewhere along the way.
     
  8. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Well-Known Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    11,749
    Likes Received:
    168
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    This one reminds me of a suspected Impaired Driving stop I made years ago while posted to Campbell River, BC. I was following this van that was all over the road. Hit the lights and it pulled over right away. It was very dark. I was focusing on his eyes while he was still seated in the van. I asked him to step out to do some roadside sobriety tests.

    He replied," I would love to but I can't."

    When I asked him why not he opened his door. He had no legs from the mid thigh down on both legs. Like I did not feel like the complete idiot.

    That was earlier in my career. I have never done roadside sobriety tests since and have caught and prosecuted untold Impaired Drivers since.

    By the way. I did follow through with the quads impaired investigation at roadside. Had to use my alternative investigational skills. He was in fact sober. We had a great time laughing at my embarrassing situation there.
     
  9. elf800

    elf800 Banned

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2008
    Messages:
    448
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    dallas
    This guy needed to buy a brain he had 3 choices a McCain supporter, an independent, and an Obama supporter. The guy asks how much for each.. McCain $ 500 independent $1000 Obama $50000. The guy says DAM !! why is the Obama so much??!! The brain seller says becuase it never been used... hahaha hahha lol omg lol muhuhuhahaha rofl..slaps leg.. lol..
     
  10. Y2Kviffer

    Y2Kviffer Active Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    May 12, 2008
    Messages:
    1,158
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    RALEIGH, NC
    Map
    Now that's funny right there....
     
  11. drewl

    drewl Well-Known Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    5,755
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    53
    Location:
    Virginia Beach, Va
    Map
    Hey ladies and germs...
    Why did the blonde nurse carry a red pen at work?

    In case she needed to DRAW blood!!!
     
  12. Y2Kviffer

    Y2Kviffer Active Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    May 12, 2008
    Messages:
    1,158
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    RALEIGH, NC
    Map
    what do you call three blondes standing ear to ear .......

    a wind tunnel
     
  13. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Well-Known Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    11,749
    Likes Received:
    168
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    What do you call a blond with a measurable IQ?

    A Golden Retriever.
     
  14. Y2Kviffer

    Y2Kviffer Active Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    May 12, 2008
    Messages:
    1,158
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    RALEIGH, NC
    Map
    what do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?

    an interpretor
     
  15. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Well-Known Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    11,749
    Likes Received:
    168
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    An airline pilot took on a new stewardess on what was going to be an overnight flight. This new girl was blond and a looker to boot. They arrived at their overnight destination and the pilot being the gentleman he was showed her around to the best places to shop eat and found her a nice hotel to stay at. He escorted her to her room and bid her a fair good night.

    Next morning the pilot was waiting at his aircraft and no new stewardess. Where could she be?

    So the pilot, knowing what hotel and what room called up to her room and spoke with the stewardess. She was in quite an emotional state.

    "What's wrong?" asked the pilot.

    The stewardess cried even louder. "I can't get out of my room. It has only three doors in this room. There is the bathroom, the closet, and the third room has a sign on it saying.'Do Not Disturb'".
     
  16. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Well-Known Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    11,749
    Likes Received:
    168
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    A blond admin clerk at a local office received a phone call. She immediately began to cry. Her boss came up to find out what was the matter.

    "My mother just passed away but I will be OK. The boss told her to take the day off.

    "No, I will be fine. I need to stay busy to take my mind off this."

    About an hour later the boss was checking on the blond. She was more emotional than ever now. The boss asked if she was sure she wanted to stay at work.

    The blond cried out " I just got a call from my twin sister. Her mother just died too!"
     
  17. Y2Kviffer

    Y2Kviffer Active Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    May 12, 2008
    Messages:
    1,158
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    RALEIGH, NC
    Map
    Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.?

    Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
     
  18. elf800

    elf800 Banned

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2008
    Messages:
    448
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    dallas
    There was a white guy brown guy and a black guy trying to have sex with a faRMers daughter. The farmer caught them, at gun point said you boys go pick your favorite fruit and come back in here. The white guy got strawberries and then the farmer put them up his ass. The brown guy got mangos and the farmer put them up his ass.. After that the white and brown guy were laughing very loud and the farmer said what are you boys laughing about?? They both replied he's out there picking a watermelons.........
     
  19. John451

    John451 Insider

    Country:
    Australia
    Joined:
    May 21, 2004
    Messages:
    2,814
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Sydneys South, 8 minutes from the RNP
    Ahhh Blond Jokes: :smile:

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
    The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
    "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
     
  20. emptyskull

    emptyskull New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2008
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    near the bat cave
    Map
    That is funny.
     
Related Topics

Share This Page