Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lighting. One woman lost it completely.
    She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
    Then she yelled, 'if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

    For a moment, there was silence, Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

    Then a man from South Carolina stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, well built, with sandy blond hair and blue eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

    She gasped....

    Then he spoke, "Iron this -- and get me a beer..."
     
  2. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily
    systems extremely upset.

    Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided theLatest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly
    filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

    In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up thebed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

    A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.


    He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended
    up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard,(barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

    The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just
    beat the shit out of a ghost."
     
  3. drewl

    drewl Insider

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    That made me smile.
     
  4. John451

    John451 Member

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    A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

    She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
    are running around having fun.

    She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

    'You ok?' she says.

    'Yes.' he says.

    'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

    'It's best I stay here.' he says.

    'Why?' says the blonde.

    The boy says: 'Because I'm the goalie'
     
  5. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    For the cat lovers.
    FISH FUNERAL.jpg
     
  6. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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  7. SilverSurferRWB

    SilverSurferRWB Member

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    You've gotta love Calvin and Hobbes...
     

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  8. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    I was just about to post that one too!
     
  9. drewl

    drewl Insider

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    Funny now, but at the time...
     
  10. Raro

    Raro New Member

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    An old man is sitting waiting at the bus stop when a punker shows up. The punk rocker takes a seat at the other end of the bench and the old man stares at his multi-colored mohawk hair do.
    "What's wrong with you old man? You never do anything crazy in your life?" says the punker.
    "Yes" replies the old man "I once screwed a parrot and was wondering if you're my son?"
     
  11. John451

    John451 Member

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    My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
    rings so she could monitor my mood.

    We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big big red mark on her forehead.
     
  12. Longerfellow

    Longerfellow New Member

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    The Boss Had to Fire Somebody
    He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
    the water cooler the next morning.
    Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
    The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

    "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
     
  13. Longerfellow

    Longerfellow New Member

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    I was pushing my cart around Home Depot when I collided with a younger guy.
    I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
    The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
    I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
    The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
    I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
     
  14. Raro

    Raro New Member

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    This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

    She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'


    Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
    A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
     
  15. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    It is not only the blonds that are thick. My first wife asked me what the sign saying "Deer Xing" meant. The operative word here is "Ex wife.
     
  16. Davidvfr

    Davidvfr New Member

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    LOL!!

    :lol:
     
  17. Davidvfr

    Davidvfr New Member

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    A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

    "Sure do," said the bartender.

    "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
     
  18. Davidvfr

    Davidvfr New Member

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    Computer Terminology

    486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

    State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

    Obsolete - Any computer you own.

    Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

    G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

    Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

    Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

    GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

    Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

    Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

    Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

    Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

    Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

    Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

    System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
     
  19. Davidvfr

    Davidvfr New Member

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    Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

    "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.

    "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

    "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
     
  20. drewl

    drewl Insider

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    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
     
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