Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. drewl

    drewl Insider

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    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
    The bartender says "You have a steering wheel down your pants."
    Pirate says "AYE, it's driving me nuts."
     
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  2. Maggot

    Maggot New Member

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    98% of all drivers when they run off the road say "Oh Shit". The other 2% are from Wisconsin and when they run off the road they say " Hold my beer and watch this!".
     
  3. John451

    John451 Member

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    So who's an old computer geek then ? :smile:

    Always chuckle at this oldie:
    Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O
     
  4. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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  5. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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  6. VFRShorty

    VFRShorty New Member

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  7. VFRShorty

    VFRShorty New Member

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  8. diVeFR

    diVeFR New Member

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    How bout real life funny stuff? The stuff you cant make up. Like.... I was in Walmart next in line to check out. The lady checking out had used her ATM card. She punched in the PIN number and then the device asked her if she wanted cash back. You could tell this lady was confused and asked the clerk what to do. The clerk said you have to tell it no. Yep...wait for it. She leans over and says "no," to the machine. And yes this did happen.
     
  9. drewl

    drewl Insider

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    I like shopping at the Dollar Store, cuz you don't have to get all dressed up like at the Wal Mart.
     
  10. derstuka

    derstuka Lord of the Wankers Staff Member

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    Hahaha! I busted my gut laughing out loud at this one shorty! Thanks! :rofl:
     
  11. VFRShorty

    VFRShorty New Member

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    haha it was just so fitting :smile:


    lol this one is pretty funny too



    [​IMG]
     
  12. GreyVF750F

    GreyVF750F Member

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    Old man wandering around in the mall looking for his wife. A long comes a buxom middle aged babe and the man stops her and says

    man: Miss would you mind helping me look for my wife?
    miss: Why no old geezer, what does she look like?
    man: Never mind that. Every time I'm talking to a women with tits as big as your's, she shows up!

    wife and were lying on the couch the other night watching tv. she whispered in my ear "why don't you make love to me like they do in the movies?"
    so I screwd her in the a$$ and came on her face.
    BOY was she pissed.

    I quess we watch different movies!!
     
  13. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...........

    Satan: Why so glum?
    Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell?

    Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
    Guy: Sure! I love to drink.

    Satan: Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, tab and fresca. We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
    Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

    Satan: You a smoker?
    Guy: You better believe it!

    Satan: All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
    Guy: Wow!! That's awesome!

    Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
    Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

    Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.
    Guy: Cool!

    Satan: What about drugs?
    Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean....

    Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, who cares.
    Guy: WOW! I never realized hell was such a cool place!

    Satan: You gay?
    Guy: No........

    Satan: Oooooh, Fridays are going to be tough.:ncb::jaw:
     
  14. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Hey, My Friend!

    I am really worried!

    Police have found a man's body in the park.......beer belly, saggy balls, wrinkly ass, and a small dick.

    Please let me know if you're O.K.:cheersaf:
     
  15. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    TEN RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely.

    Signed:__________________________________________________
    (Prospective date)

    Signed:__________________________________________________
    (R.S. SIMPSON) Father of prospective date

    Date and Time:____________________________________________
     
  16. John451

    John451 Member

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    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
    see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
    intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The
    woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I
    could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more
    minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
    Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
    almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
    she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
    sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.. So, she turned
    to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
    through three red lights in a row? You could have crashed!'
    Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, am I driving ?'
     
  17. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Two senior couples had just finished a nice dinner at one of their homes. The two gentlemen went into the parlor to enjoy a brandy and fine cigar while the two women remained in the kitchen sipping on tea.

    The topic of discussion between the two gents turned to fine restaurants that they have visited.

    One Gent, Fred, could not for the life of himself, remember the name of a particular restaurant.

    "What's the name of that flower, women like?" asked Fred.

    His friend Stan replied. "Carnation?"

    "No no no that's not it. It's the one that they really like."

    "You mean an orchid?"

    No no no. The one you get your lover at Valentines day."

    "Oh" replied Stan. "A rose!"

    "That's it!" Exclaimed Fred. Then he hollered out, "Rose....what was the name of that restaurant we went out to a couple weeks ago?"
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2016
  18. squirrelman

    squirrelman Member

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    WHY do they have nursing schools??
    even a baby knows how it's done!
     
  19. skivfr1

    skivfr1 New Member

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    What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? 2 brunettes and a red head with bad breath!
     
  20. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.

    When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

    The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

    The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

    While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.
    He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.

    The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

    The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test."
     
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