Humor Thread

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

A penguin was driving down the road when the car began making a horrible noise.
Instantly alarmed and concerned, the penguin pulled into the very next service station.

Quickly telling the attendant about the horrible noise emanating from the car, the penguin kindly asked to have it looked at as soon as possible.
The attendant informed, "No problem, but it'll take about an hour for me to get to it and properly diagnose what's wrong."

"Fine, fine," replied the penguin "I see that there's an ice cream parlor across the street and I just love ice cream. I'll be over there."

The penguin walked into the ice cream parlor and promptly ordered a large vanilla cone. Thoroughly enjoying the cone, an hour's time passed before the penguin knew it.
Jumping up, the penguin trekked back across the street over to the service station.

"How's my car?," queried the penguin to the attendant.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal," replied the attendant.

"Oh, no, no, no. This is just ice cream all over my face," the penguin assured.

 

Facts About Sex

1. Sex has no calories.
2. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
3. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
4. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
5. Virginity can be cured.
6. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
7. It is always the wrong time of month.
8. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
10. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
11. Love comes in spurts.

 

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

 

When do ya kick a midget in the balls?
When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smell nice....OOOOOOH

Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy?
:
:
:
100 dollar bill.

 

Why do Islamic extremists drink instant coffee?

Because they hate French press.

 

Ahahahahaaaa

http://cheezburger.com/67905537?ref=rightarrow&siteId=54

 

They did a great job of playing it straight and at cops were good natured enough not to open fire on anyone.

 

Look like they punked the cops......when the guy said, is it because theres no tax....I knew it was soda. Wounder why they didn't look in the back first before the cuffs came out?
Randy?
Good one R

 

I was going to stay out of this but seeing as I have been specifically invited in.

The prank seemed innocent enough and seems the officers, in public at least, once cameras were seen, took it in the manner that it was intended. I would bet that they had some not so nice things to say when they were in the privacy of their vehicles though.

You know? We do have a sense of humour. But in my books, this one went over that line. Any prank that would cause a cop to put someone into custody and conduct a search of a vehicle, heightens the situation's tensions with the cops. It happens. And when that happens, the chance of something more serious happening increases dramatically. A sudden wrong move by one of those youth could have proven to be very serious because the police are expecting something of a criminal nature to be going on. Also the nearby public is watching police arrest our youth. In any area that is slightly hostile, that would be disastrous.

The second part of this is, how much time was spent by how many police officers during this prank? That is my tax money being spent there (well if were in Canada it would be). I would rather have my police spending their very valuable time on serious matters. Including traffic enforcement. In Canada, there is more life lost to traffic accidents than there is to any other crime by far according to Stats Can.

Would I have ripped them a new asshole? Absolutely not. These youth appear to honestly meant to be having some fun and believed there was not harm done. But I would have definitely pointed out to them what I thought, in a non confrontational way and definitely away from the ears of the nosy public, so as to not cause them any embarrassment.

What if someone was to be feigning a seizure or something like that when a couple EMT's were around. Or some other action involving the Fire Department. I think most would be appalled.

Good on the cops for the way they were handling it. And you know what? Good on the youth for their attempt at closing that gap with the police. It was just a little overboard in my opinion.

 

Detain and make yourself safe first. Search and gather evidence later. If my partner were to ever do it any other way, I would haul his/her ass into the boss. My safety is more important that the public's feelings of embarrassment by being cuffed and locked in a police car.

 

How would officer Randy handle this one?


A policeman, officer Randy, was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" officer Randy asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, officer Randy then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" officer Randy then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked officer Randy.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

 

Thanks for clearing that up for me Randy, not knowing procedures, sounds about the right approach to possible criminals.

 

Grey, you sick puppy

 

So! That was YOU!

 

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

"I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat. On top of that, it was raining so I couldn’t go for a walk, bike or run. The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn’t go anywhere in the car. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person."

 

​

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker replies, “It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

 

If you like someone, set them free.

If they come back, that means you were misguided in the first place, no one else likes them, so you should send the sun of a bitch packing again.