Humor Thread

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are tipping toddies at the local pub…

As good as this pub is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

"Never again in the halls of Washington, D.C., do I want to have to make explanations that I can't explain." --George W. Bush, Portland, Oregon, Oct. 31, 2000

 

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
Frank Carson

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Red Skelton


As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

 

The wife came home drunk yesterday afternoon. As she was undressing, she fell over and passed out, knickers around her ankles and her arse up in the air.. I thought , there's no way i'm going to miss an opportunity like this!! So i went straight to garage & took the vfr out for a blast..............

 

new nightie

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when
she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man
walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'


Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be
taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the
road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll
give you $100 for your trouble..'


'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.


So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the
blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they
went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the
blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps,
much to the amusement of a big crowd.


With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you
$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did, thankyou' said the blonde,' we had a great time
with money left over.'

 

Amtrack

[FONT=&quot]A mother and her young inquisitive son were riding Amtrak from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't trains have baby trains?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the train Conductor. So the boy dutifully asked the Conductor, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't trains have baby trains?" The train Conductor responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?

The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby trains because Amtrak always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."[/FONT]

 

Fart Football

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They had o sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
​

 

Knew there was a reason I always have "Bear brand" duct tape in my VFRs Ventura bag.

Best duct tape story ever

 

Well, many older planes were made of fabric stretched over a frame and then painted so I guess that is not really so surprising.

 

A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off a bridge - so they stopped. The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss. After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you'll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer."

 

A well written police report...

Augusta, GA

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was
transported for treatment. The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.

(Now that was a well written Police report)

Marines, ya gotta love 'em!

 

A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.

'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis, OR

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, ' So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste', Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit, MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry, I had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,


As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr wouldn't submit his name.

AND FINALLY!

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said. 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

 

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache!
'Perfect,' her husband said.'
I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

 

Pray for Leroy

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

 

Italian Tomato Garden

cid:1.2739888166@web161717.mail.bf1.yahoo.com

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, had gone to prison a few months before.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato
garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where we buried the bodies last fall.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

 

I support the police but this is funny...

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS