Humor Thread

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair , where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
communicate .

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning
off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on
her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew....... 'Bastards won't let me fart.'

 

5 Catholics

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square , Rome .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,



slim,



tall,



38D breast,



24" waist and



34" hips.





When she walks into a room, people say, "My God!"

 

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls​

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?​

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:​

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'​

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'​

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.​

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.​

Both result in your death.​

 

THE RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the Department store.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Brown,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'security was called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"

And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"

The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."

Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"

"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."

 

A truck driver was eating breakfast at a lunch counter, when a gang of motorcycle tough-
guys walked in. One of the bikers put his finger in the truck driver's coffee and said,
"Not very hot, is it?" Then another biker put his finger in the scrambled eggs and said,
"Not very fluffy, are they?" Finally, without saying a word, the trucker paid for his
meal and left. "Wasn't much of a man, was he?", the gang leader asked the waitress.
"He's no great driver either", replied the waitress. "He just ran over a bunch of
motorcycles."

 

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, ” Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it ! “

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, ” No kidding…………………….. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from ? “

 

I think the worst thing about political jokes is that they keep getting re-elected...

 

Distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

There is No difference in the outcome. Both result in death

 

Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well,' said the big Gator, what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Gator.

"Hmm Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Alligator, I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole
and a briefcase."

 

I awoke early one morning
The world lay quiet and still,
When suddenly a little bird
Perched on my window sill

It sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed its very trilling
brought out the morning sun.

I stirred beneath my covers
Crept softly from my bed,
Slowly closed the window
And crushed its fucking head.

 

It gets easier to deal with women when you're dead. That way you are six feet under and can't listen to them complain any longer.

 

A little girl was walkeing her puppy in the park one day and was greeted by a minister.

"My" said the minister, "You are such a pretty little girl. What's you name?"

"My name is Petal" replied the child.

"That certainly is a wonderful and pretty name. How is it that you mommy decided to call you Petal"

"Well when my mommy was carrying me she was out for a walk and sat down under a big tree for a rest. A nice leaf, gently floated down from the tree and landed on her belly. Mommy said that was a signal from the heavens to name me Petal"

The minister was facinated by this story. "And this cute little puppy dog of yours. He is so cute with that pretty bow tie around his neck. What is his name?"

The little girl said to the minister quite matter of factly. " My puppy dog's name is Porky"

The minister replied "That is certainly an unusual name for a puppy. Why did you decide to call him Porky?"

"Cause he fucks pigs!"

 

Woke up this morning got dressed and went into the kitchen where my wife was making breakfast.

Looking over her shoulder could see she was frying one of my socks in a pan

"What are you doing?" I asked.

She replied "I'm just doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk!"

Puzzled I walked off muttering to myself...

" Don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

 

A very wise person

 

We mustn't be left out:

 

So I was out fighting with some friends a few weeks ago and said something about an arrow hitting me pretty hard. he said for me to "grow a vagina" when I looked confused I asked him to explain, he said this. well , balls ar fragile and can get hurt quite easily, a vagina is tough, it can take a pounding all night and be fine in the morning....

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went for a bike ride.