Humor Thread

THERE COULD ONLY BE ONE ANSWER


Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

 

so this newly dating couple are about to have sex for the first time and she says to him " give me twelve inches and make it hurt!!! he shrugged, then banged her three times and then hit her in the head with a brick...

 

Bet it doesn't come close to feeling as good though.....

 

I miss Rodney Dangerfield...............

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

 

Due to economic conditions, Im not going to go to the Carribean this year. Instead we are going to recreate it at home. I am well ahead with my arrangements.

We will start the pretend holiday by us all going out in my car with the air conditioning off and sit in the sun for five hours to recreate the holiday traffic jams we customarily start with.

I have filled the paddling pool with sand for us all to sit in, along with a few used condoms and half filled cans of lager. The space is a bit bigger than what we are used to but we will have to make do.

I am going to insist that, in my local shop, unless I speak Spanish fluently he will charge me twice as much as normal.

The wife is to be allowed to spend on a wardrobe to replace the clothes she has not worn since last year (but now "do not fit"), which I will take away from her as pretend lost-luggage and only give back at the end of the first week.

I have arranged for a few of my neighbours to stare and follow my 14 year old daughter when she ventures out on her own.

Finally, the wife has promised, halfway through, to pick a fight over some pointless matter we will not remember the subject of two weeks later so the whole family can sit in broody silence for the remainder of the holiday.

I'll save myself a fortune!

 

I was walking past a synagogue the other day......To the left of the door was a Jewish guy dressed in black leaning against the wall and to the right of the door was another Jewish guy dressed in black leaning against the wall.

Call me Anti-Symmetric but I hate that







I parked my bike in a handicapped spot, this parking attendant started yelling at me, saying "Hey, what's your disability?'

I said, "Tourette"s!!! ...FUCK OFF!!!!"

 

The Infinite Redneck Postulate:

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works............ in Braille

 

[video=youtube;1A3b_MRimbk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A3b_MRimbk&feature=player_embedded[/video]

 

My favourite HD related bit is from 04:30 " If you're on a curvy road you should block them going past at all costs.... "



Gotta laugh at this Nob, lucky he didn't take anyone else out.

[video=youtube;gGNzI0wlK1E]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGNzI0wlK1E[/video]

 

I couldn't find that fucking thingy that peels the spuds and carrots, so I asked my kids if they have seen it... apparently she left me yesterday.

 

Question:

What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?



Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you.

 

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Texas State Trooper walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence. Then he closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car, and left

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,

Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him..







There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

Went to the Zoo the other day, it only had one dog in it, it was a Shitzu.

 

final Geico commercail

no more little lizard!!

 

Japanese scientists have invented a camera with hyper fast shutter speed,
it's now possible to photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential

 

A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

THESE REALLY WORK!!

I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6.. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

Two guys walk into a bar


third guy ducks.