Humor Thread

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay there making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money"

 

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

 

Why is "PMS" called "PMS"?

"Mad Cow" Disease was already taken...

 

Thought I'd better warn you. I just got scammed out of $25. I bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. They don't give refunds either. Absolute waste of money!

 

A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City.

The cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Brian."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros. He sang like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano . He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everybody's birthday and knew all about wine. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow... Some guy that Brian."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every traffic jam. Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his freakin' widow."

 

What's big, long and hard and makes women have sex with me? My knife.




The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

 

If sex between 3 people is called a "threesome",

and sex between 2 people is called a "twosome",


I know why you are called handsome!

 

I picked a girl up in the pub last night, took her home but I felt drowsy and fell asleep on the couch... must have had her drink by mistake!

 

A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’

The kid says “How the fuck would I know?”

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, scary-looking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well... whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly as I burst into tears. "Come on, man" the biker says "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me".

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve... then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

I am over 55 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn't even liketo get up before 10am . Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys..

We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I have managed to finish off a bottle of Whiskey, a bottle of Vodka, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u blody luvum!!

 

Then the fight started!

 

So I went to a wedding the other day. Just before the bride & groom entered the room, the DJ was playing music. He stopped to introduce the wedding party, but first asked if all of the married men would stand beside the person that make your life worth living. The bartender is now in the hospital, after almost being crushed.

 

Pop singer Kylie Minogue with bear.

 

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.








Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

 

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

 

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

 

New Mens Magazine "Whipped" ( but not in the good way )