Humor Thread

Socially Unacceptable Humor


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says,
"What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

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At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point:
The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
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One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
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There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
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You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

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A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
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Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied,
"No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
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The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

Spewed coffee oot my nose on this one.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

 

I like the stalkingone. I've used that in the past. I get out of jail in three weeks but have to stay out of Vancouver.

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . .. Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!

 

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stackof 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

 

Christmas Lights


I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of some co-workers. They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work,
and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

 

A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:

"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?" "Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG.

 

[video=youtube;r8eICCKMNEc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8eICCKMNEc[/video]

 

I was at a bar with a friend of mine and noticed two old guys sitting across the bar from us. So I nudged my buddy and said, "that’s us in ten years".

My buddy looks over at me and says, "that’s a mirror, dip shit".

 

Simple philosophy of life - easy to understand graph

 

What does it mean that my black line has dipped below the black--------------

 

Could mean your a real dip shit?????

 

Nope. The dip shit is in that picture on the wall in the bar.

 

[video=youtube;c211yCCZdJY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c211yCCZdJY&feature=fvsr[/video]

 

Tink found this one:

[video=youtube;3drE5LFAdyY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3drE5LFAdyY&feature=related[/video]

 

New lesbian self assembly bed,no nuts or screws......... its all tongue and groove.

 

Good one Knife

 

Montage of Herman Cain Speechs: :wink:

[video=youtube;uE5xZKszXMQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE5xZKszXMQ[/video]

 

Look at this carefully...it is a brilliant example of British Humour!

The British government has scrapped the Harrier fleet and on their

farewell formation flypast over the Houses of Parliament they gave

thegovernment a message.

Lean back a bit from your computer monitor and squint.

Seriously...push your chair back a couple of feet..

My hat is off to the man that was leading this Squadron.

 

The Herman Cain video gets me every time. A friend sent that to me earlier this week and I couldn't stop laughing. Anyway, here's one for all the guys...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing" the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive".
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well" said the man "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife".
The homeless man was astounded."Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting".
The man replied "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, sex and golf".