Humor Thread

as she was getting to bed, the older couple were changing, and the wife was standing looking at herself topless in the mirror. She looked at her husband and said with a sigh "I wish my boobs were bigger." He looked over at her, and replied "try rubbing toilet paper between them."

She looked at him with a puzzled look on her face and said "Toilet paper?"

"Yeah," he replied, "look what it did to your ass."

And that's when the fight started...

 

The dishwasher is making weird noises. Probably because she's outside chopping firewood.

 

Robinson Crusoe


There's this guy, Bob, stranded on a deserted island. He's been there for months from a ship wreck, eating off the land and ocean.

One day while laying on the beach starring out to sea. This beautiful buxom red head in a great fitting wet suite walks up out of the surf and towards Bob.
His eyes were bugging out. He was truely astonished.

The red head saunters up to Bob and looks at him with sultry eyes unzips her wet suit about 4" and says to him

Is there anything I can give you?

Bob: mmmeerrrr I'd sure go for a martini.

She unzips a pocket on her left arm and pulls out a pint flask with Martini in it, shaken not stirred and hands it to Bob.

Bobs amazed, he grabs the flask, leans back and takes a hit.

The Red head unzips her top 8 more inches and looks at him sultry and says:

Don't you want something else?

Bob: Mmmmmm I could go for a good Cuba cigar!

The red head unzips a pocket on her right arm and pulls out a Havana cigar, lights it and hands it to laid back Bob. He takes a long slow draw and falls in to heaven.

The Red head is now standing over Bob with a leg on either side of him. She looks him in the eyes and unzips her wet suite all the way down. Bob's eyes are bulging out at this time

Then the Red head says in a low sexy voice: Do you want to play around?!!

Bobs jaw hits the ground and he looks at her in anticipation and says in a surprise voice:

OMG you got clubs in there too??!!

 

So you're saying bob is gay.......................

 

A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee
elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the
sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated
Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

 

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student ...


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.



A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these storeis could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.


'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'



"That must've been scary" said the teacher.



"It sure was" said the little girl.



"My kitty raised her back, went 'Fffff! Ffffff!, FfffffF' but before she could say FUCK, the Rottweilber ate her !!!


The teacher had to leave the room.

 

THE DOG

Please be advised I am sick of receiving questions about my dog who mauled
3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall,
6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts,
4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts,
2 rappers,
5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English,
9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks,
8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English,
10 flag burners, and
one Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

 

My Kinda Marine!!


This conversation was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai; it's too good not to pass along.


The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ..... total radio silence)

 

Military Quote Of The Day




"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional, and now it's legal. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."

Sgt Harry Berres, USMC

 

Good job Metal

 

Heard you'd named your new boat after me. :biggrin:

 

MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS ISLAMIC TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD

The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.




The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection.
No Anesthetic is required.

The implant may or may not be painless.

Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

The Marines

 

Corporate Structure

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

 

Seen at a recent party

A wee hairy.................

 

That must be incredibly expensive whiskey. I would say that is about a 55 year old single malt right there

 

Cuppa Cheese!

Breaking the Barrier - YouTube

 

Cuppa Cheese? Whew! I feared it was going to be a "Two Girls, One Cup" sequel. Nobody wants that.

 

Right! - Because "1Man1Jar" is so much more entertaining.

 

No, he's saying that Bob recognises redheads for what they are: repulsive, soulless mutants. "Daywalkers", if you will.

 

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, coffee, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!