Humor Thread

“President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, President Obama,” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, he? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!”

“Well Archie,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation, “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Barack paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have at call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again.” Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Barack asked.

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry ‘s farm tractor.”

President Obama sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Lord above,” said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. ” President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!”

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Jumpins,” said Archie, “l’ll have at call youse back.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. ” President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘ere war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Barack. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners..”

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
God Bless !!!!

 

GOLF PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing Any skivvies?”, Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of
decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says ,

"For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are ye drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money at be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well,fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit."

 

That tugs on the heart strings of a true Scotsman right there.....

 

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jeweler shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar right next to that shop."

 

I met a hot girl who was going to tell me a joke about her vajayjay, but she said I'd never get it.

*************

I've got a joke to tell you about my pecker, but its kinda long....

***********

I've got another joke about homosexuals... butt fuck it.

 

Guy: Hey, have you ever smelled moth balls?

Girl: Well, yes, of course

Guy: Cool! How'd you fit your head between his legs?

 

Merry Christmas
Full Metal Elf - YouTube

 

The importance of wearing condoms should never be underestimated. Studies have shown that regular use of condoms significantly prevents mini vans.

 

While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.

 

A real outdoorsman



When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a real shitty golfer."

 

What's red and yellow and looks good on Muslims?

 

ok, I'll be a prick FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago
last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had
anything to play with.

 

Happy New Year!

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

 

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" Oh, that would have made me blaspheme! "sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f--king putt, didn't you?"

 

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the belting of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said "What a beautiful baby". The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie". Johnnie said "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes" the mother replied "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision". "That's great" said Little Johnnie "coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

 

I was sitting at a red light the other day, minding my own business, waiting for the light to turn green.

A car load of bearded, young loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half burned American flag duct taped to the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side stopped next to me.

The light changed green. The Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists at me, hit the gas and sped off ahead of me.

Just then an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely killing everyone inside.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "man that could have been me!".

So today, bright and early I went out and got a job as a TRUCK DRIVER!

 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. ........ The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said "Just a minute, I have to go pee".

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite". "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back".
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say 'bathroom' at the dinner table".

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say 'Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very good friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner'".