Humor Thread

Little Toe

New pick up line

A bloke was standing at a bar and a
beautiful woman came up beside
him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What?... You mean I'm
small and cute?"

He says "No. I`ll probably bang you on
the coffee table later when I'm
drunk"

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished ?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax." Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....." He sighed .

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box "

 

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"


The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."


The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."

 

A dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.

"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.

"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?". The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?". Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?" With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling
him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"

 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

A short bed time story:

 

$20.00

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut.

 

What do divorce and tornados have in common in Kentucky?

No matter what, somebody is losin' a trailer

 

I locked my keys in my car near an abortion clinic. Weird, but they get really pissed when you ask them if you can borrow a coat hanger

 

"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti."

 

A cowboy goes in to a pharmacy to do some shopping.


Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

 

A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:

"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!"

The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?"

The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."


"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?" "Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG.

 

My neighbor asked me if I would watch her son Simon for her for a couple hours while she went grocery shopping. I said "Sure no problem, I'll put on a video, he'll be fine "

He was glued to the tv and I was reading in the recliner.

A while later she shows up, I wake up, but the kid is nowhere to be found

Mom says "Hey, where's Si gone?"

I say "Vietnam"

I realize now there's a time and place for geography puns.

 

My dad walks into the pharmacy and asks the clerk for condoms for my fourteen year old sister. The clerk is shocked and said "your fourteen year old daughter is sexually active?"
Dad says "no she just lay's there like her mom".

 

What gets wetter as it dries?

A woman that's really into drying things.

 

I woke the wife up this morning with a gentle fuck.

I whispered it in her ear, followed by a gentle "you"

 

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

Olympic condoms she asks, what makes them so special?

There are three colors, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

What color are you going to wear tonight? she asks cheekily.

Gold of course, says the man proudly.

The wife responds, really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.

 

US Warship vs Lighthouse - YouTube

 

DON CHERRY of Hockey Night in Canada , and former great Hockey Coach, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say:

'Red is positive,
black is negative, and
make sure his nuts are wet'." !!