Humor Thread

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?

"I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, eh!"

" Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have ONE MILLION men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, 3 fishing boats, 2 harpoon boats, a trawler with radar and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 6,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

 

“You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”

 

Two Newfie hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax, Nova Scotia, when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice..."Just for a moment, think outside yourself...Outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A loud Newfie voice from near the front pierces the moment... "Well, Lard tunderin Jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin', den!"

 

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said, "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering - why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Winnipeg. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

 

I was working late one night in the office when I got this email from my girlfriend.

"Honey,thespacebuttonisbrokenonmycomputer.whenyoucomehomewillyoupleasegivemeanalternative."

As I rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder... what does "ternative" mean?

 

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it has worked for over 200 years,
and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

 

For the next time you play Rock, Paper, Scissors...

 

A Guy was Holidaying on a remote beach with the wife when his wife got stung on the pussy by a wasp, panicking he phoned the closest doctor and said, "Doc, Doc please help, my wife's been stung on the vagina and it's completely closed up!"

The Doctor started replying " Bummer ... ", when the guy quickly hung up with a " thanks doc, bye."

 

[video=youtube;7KFo-HZEArA]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KFo-HZEArA[/video]

 

[video=youtube;9bZkp7q19f0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9bZkp7q19f0[/video]

 

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

 

A Chief Warrant Officer and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! "

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like."

 

Q: Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?
A: She didn't want to get hearing aids.

 

My doctor called and said I need to come back for a follow up prostate exam.
I said "That's find, but this time I don't want your hands on my shoulders."

 

Allmost wasn't worth watching, good pull thru at the end!!

 

I drive too fast to worry about some prostate exam......

 

Q:What's the difference b/w a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

 

Dog is Man's Best Friend..............


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment..............

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?