Humor Thread

People need to understand that getting older is not really all that bad. We still have new experiences every day that we love to experience.

As an example, I shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section at Safeway. It was awesome!

Getting old can be so much fun.

 

love this and thought of you BP :biggrin:

 

I don't know why I thought this was so funny this morning, but I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard when I saw this...

 

Smurfbalism

 

LITTLE BILLY ON MATH


Little Billy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks his father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies Billy.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"

 

Back in the late 60's early 70's, I tried joining the sexual revolution. I flunked the physical.

 

sung to the tune of Born to be Wild by Stepping Wolf:



"BORN TO BE MILD"


Couldn't get my motor runnin'
Dead out on the highway!
Shoulda bought a Venture
Coulda saved a lot of hay!

Ape hangers got my shoulders crackin'
Put my back in a f*ckin' brace
Tried to start it with a can of ether
Explode in my face!

Well my black leather looks wild
But I walked, walked thirty miles
With a price so high, I
Can't afford to die!

Walked thirty miles...
Walked thirty miles....

I paid something frightening
Heavy metal blunder!
Now I'm racin' for the payments
And my credit has gone under!

Yeah darlin' that's the belt a-snappin'
To the world I'm a-losin' face
Fire all your loud pipes at once and
Explode in their face!

Well my true nature is mild
But I try, try to look wild
On the kind of bike I
Can't afford to ride...

Walked thirty miles...
Walked thirty miles...

 

You know when you're staying in a redneck hotel when...

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "okay, Go ahead."

 

That's the best HD parody I've heared yet!

 

So.....this guy had been dreaming of a certain old VFR his whole life. He was looking through the internet bike ads one day and he sees it. A mint VFR of the classic year he desired. He calls the gentlemen and sets an appointment to go look at the bike. He tells his NEW girlfriend about it and she is very supportive.
That afternoon he goes and checks out the bike. It is the exact bike and the paint is PRISTINE! He asks the owner, "how in the world did you keep the paint looking so good after all these years? " The old crusty biker says its really simple...everytime it looks like its going to rain I put this on it and hands the guy a jar of Vaseline. The gents work out a price and he ends up getting the bike of his dreams!!!!!
The next day is a really pretty day and he wants to take the bike for a ride. His new girlfriend says "hey lets ride over to my parents house and you can meet them for the first time and have dinner with them." He agrees and away they go. Off to meet the parents.
They arrive at the parents house and its a really nice house in the suburbs. They are walking to the front door and the girlfriend says I have to tell you something. My parents have a weird quirk about dinner. Ole guy thinks well who the hell has parents that arent weird about something. She says, "Nobody talks at the dinner table. Anybody who speaks has to wash the dishes." Okay no big deal.
He goes in and the parents are receptive and welcoming. The father even comments on his beautiful new bike!!!
They walk on in and everything is going great until he walks into the kictchen. There are literally thousands of dishes stacked to the ceiling everywhere! Looks like nobody has spoken at dinner in a LONG TIME!

Dinner is finally served and they sit down to eat. Well they sit there eating dinner in total silence and the guy starts to think man this is really weird....So he reaches over to his new girlfriend and starts kissing her and making out with here getting her all hot and bothered. Not a word from the parents. Well proceeds to lay her out on the dinner table and have his way with her! Not a word!!!!
He finishes and thinks well Mom is pretty dang HOT too. So he gets up and goes over there and has his way with MOM right on the dinner table! Not a word!!!!!!!!!

He finishes with Mom and sits back down. He thinking this is the weirdest shit I have ever seen. Next thing the biker hears is this LOUD CLAP of thunder!!!
He jerks out the jar of Vaseline in his jacket pocket and the Dad stands up and yells "I'll do the dishes, I'll do the dishes"!!!!!!!

 

A young woman is on her way to meet the family of her current boyfriend for the first time. The man is everything she has ever dreamed of in regards to a man. Well mannered, good job, and of course she wanted to make a good impression. She was very nervous and had developed a bad case of gas.

She arrived at a beautiful home and her boyfriend excitedly brought inside to meet the family. It was a picturesque group of people. A handsome and refined father, a modest yet lovely wife, a cute younger sister, and peppy little dog named Patches. Conversation was polite, but the family was quite reserved. The finally congregated in the dining room to eat. While standing and walking around, she was able to ignore the urge to pass gas. However, now that she was sitting, there was no way to alleviate the mounting pressure. Hoping that she could quietly ease a small toot out, she turned her head to cough and let a little fart go.

Father: Patches!

The young lady was elated! Not only did she find a small measure of relief, but the dog was blamed for the fart!

Emboldened she leaned forward slightly and let a decent one out.

Father: Patches, get!

Success! She only had one more in her, she was sure of it. With a wicked grin she leaned over once more and let out a boisterous and loud cheek flapper! "BRRRAAAAAPPP!"

Father: DAMMIT PATCHES! Get over here before she shits on you!

 

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by looking at her hands. If she is holding a rolling pin, or a cast iron frying pan high in the air, she is probably quite pissed at you.

 

Seniors. Bless their wonderful hearts!

 

I used to be frustrated by people talking at movie theaters until I realized how entertaining it was to bring a squirt bottle and pretend to sneeze.

 

I don't judge a person based on their wealth. Nor do I judge them based on race, colour or religion. I will not judge them based on their sex or sexuality.

But I do base them on whether or not they are an asshole though!

 

I am a fly fishermen and in our circle we say "Life is too short to fish with assholes". Hence the reason I gave up spending countless hours per day "guiding" wealthy clients into beautiful places for a living. I would say the same applies to riding your bike in beautiful places. I to sir judge not upon much anything else but the level of assholiness one shall exude.
Well said and cheers! :drinkers:

 

Could it be true?

 

Years ago, a man was riding the train from New Orleans , eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping them apart, and throwing the shells out the window. The woman sitting opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch." He replied, "It's none of your business, hon. I paid my fare and I'll do what I want." And he continued until he finished the bag. Full, he settled back for a nap.

The woman pulled out her knitting. Soon all the man could hear was that incessant clicking and clacking. Soon he said, "Would you stop that noise? I'm trying to sleep!" She replied, "It's none of your business. I paid my fare and I'll do what I want."

The man grabbed her knitting and tossed it out the window. She immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. He started laughing. "You're gonna get fined for that!" The woman replied, "And you're going to jail …after the police smell your fingers!"

 

Now, If you can translate that into Spanish/Morocan/German, I would be cooking with Vegetable oil!.

 

Nice one!!! :wacko: