Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Especially for select members of this forum

    1656237_10151996683963299_1112774686_n.jpg

    And for the older ones:

    1622735_10152036261468299_608347851_n.jpg
     
  2. GreyVF750F

    GreyVF750F Member

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    A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money
    He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

    "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

    So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

    "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "

    "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

    "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that young lady who lives in town?"

    The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.



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  3. Big_Jim59

    Big_Jim59 Member

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    An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

    "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

    Moral of this story...

    Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
    Bull shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
     
  4. GreyVF750F

    GreyVF750F Member

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    Kids on Relationships

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    - Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    - Kristen, age 10

    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
    - Camille, age 10

    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    - Derrick, age 8

    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    Both don't want any more kids.
    - Lori, age 8

    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    - Martin, age 10

    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

    I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
    - Craig, age 9

    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    When they're rich.
    -- Pam, age 7

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    - Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    - Howard, age 8

    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    - Kelvin, age 8

    And the #1 Favorite is........

    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
    - Ricky, age 10
     
  5. BWeiss

    BWeiss Johnny Partseed

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  6. jethro911

    jethro911 Member

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    My first drink with my son.

    I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came
    flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
    Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

    I got him a Fosters He didn't like it – so I had it.

    Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it.

    It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.

    By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the stroller back home
     
  7. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    An oldie but a goodie.

    The International Council of Laws Governing Acceptable Male Behavior

    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry only under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking his boss's Porsche. (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

    4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever -- unless you actually marry her.

    5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complaints about the temperature are acceptable.

    6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional, and may only be done so at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

    7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), then she's officially your girlfriend.

    10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless waitress and is free.

    11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    12: Never fight naked. Unless it's with a woman and is physical.

    13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.

    15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports-watchers.

    16: A man in the company of a hot and suggestively-dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza -- but not both, that's just plain greedy.

    21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    22: It is the morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have had carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    24: Thou shalt never buy a car in the color of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360. End of story.

    26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

    27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

    'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'are you still cleaning or are you about to fly somewhere?'

    'BALLS' is coming home late smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and then slapping your wife squarely on the ass and saying, 'You're next fatty!'

    I hope I have been able to shed some light on these issues, and that they are clear to you now
     
  8. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    My wife's birthday is coming up. I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo. I said if you don't like the slippers, go fuck yourself.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2014
  9. VFR Love

    VFR Love New Member

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    It's not how fast you go it's how long you hang

    [​IMG]


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  10. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    As my old nan used to say "If you haven't got anything nice to say, then fuck off and be a cunt somewhere else." Have a great day!
     
  11. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake? The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they fell to the ground exhausted. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen." "You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."
     
  12. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    This husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over as whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet".
    The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes, but on her way back
    she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?". No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch".
     
  13. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarettes?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough."
    A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough."
    Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
    "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
     
  14. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
    Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds,"Yes we do". "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
     
  15. Rainbow7

    Rainbow7 New Member

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    ALternatively: If you don't have anything nice to say, say it online.
     
  16. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    I think I just went through an elderly phase. Those seem to happen to me more often these days.
     
  17. GreyVF750F

    GreyVF750F Member

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    A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on
    top of his dad bouncing up and down, and retreats.

    The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about
    what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

    The son sees his mum and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

    The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy
    and sometimes have to get on top of it to help to flatten it."

    "Your wasting your time," say's the boy.

    "Why is that?" asked his mum puzzled.

    "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over
    and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."
     
  18. GreyVF750F

    GreyVF750F Member

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    Just one more...................



    Plane passenger.........

    A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled
    in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised
    she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat
    right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,
    "Business trip or vacation?"

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the
    annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

    He swallowed hard here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
    sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
    business

    role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
    popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really", he smiled, "What myths are those?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men
    are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
    who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
    French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek
    descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
    categories are the Irish."

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
    said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
    your name."

    "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
    Paddy."
     
  19. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Wait for it. Everyone sing along:

    3410343898_5a50c6ac5f_m.jpg
     
  20. GreyVF750F

    GreyVF750F Member

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    What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

    A Salad Shooter
     
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