Humor Thread

Old memories brings a tear to my eye. You have no idea what it is like wearing those boots and breaches and trying to get down on your haunches let alone change a tire wearing all that garb. Now, when they get a flat, they just drive it to the lot and park it without telling anyone. The women always did this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dz1K79tmTdI

 

Equals

 

You can say what you want but that gear commands a certain level of respect for the wearer. It's iconic. A buddy on mine is a police officer. He said that your "presence" is a big part of how you do your job and how people respond to you.

That's wonderful period video.

 

UPS PILOTS

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly out in
timely in our jobs.


after every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots
Marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
Maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
An accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P; Missing Engine
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
Midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

Good one Mofo

 

Valentine's card that didn't make it.

10. I admire your strength, I
admire your spunk,

But the thing I like best is getting you drunk.



9. Our love will never become cold and hollow

Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.



8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store

In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.



7. This feels so good, it feels so right

I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.



6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class



Especially when I'm spanking your big-round-fat ass.





5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished

But now I'm fulfilled....SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!



4. Through all the things that came to pass

Our love has grown but so's your ass.



3. You're a honey and you're a cutie

I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."



2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny

So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!



1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister

You should check out the one that I gave to your

sister!

 

A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.

The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man on what to do.
Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"

 

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
" Hysterias and Posteriors" this was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed it to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.
Another attempt: "Minds and Behinds." rejected again.
So they tried "Lost souls and Ass Holes." no way.
"Analysis and Cysts?" Nooope
"Nuts and Butts?" Nada
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it
Almost at their wit's end, the Doctors came up with a sign that pleased everybody:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends"

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFE_LHrnz-o

It could be worse Randy, you could be a South African.

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy, who went by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called, slangly, Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a full camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

You cannot make up this stuff.

 

The uniform used to but not much anymore. But I agree, presence matters. They seemed to have lost that conception more and more these days. Unless it is extremely serious, they often will take your info over the phone, per-determine they can't solve it and no one will attend. It sure wasn't that way in my day.

The guy in that video was wearing the Brown Serge. That was worn back then for day to day working. They were still being issued when I went through but we only wore them if we were in an office position, or attending court. The red serge was for ceremonial purposes and higher courts. They stopped issuing the brown serge many years ago.

But getting to those boots and breeches. They were heavy heavy riding pants which were really tight from above the knees down. Hot as hell in the summer. Then those high brown boots were heavy cow leather and were form fitted to the calf of your foot, and laced up as tight as they would go. So bending down was not something you wanted to do often. Doing the "duck walk" when you fucked up in drill was a killer.

But yes, an image is displayed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHL8juUZsH8

The commentators asked who paid for their attendance to this even. I can't speak for other agencies, but attendance to these events, the 32 member ceremonial troop aside, is out of our own pockets. That done without a second thought.

This is a very old photo. Taken just a couple weeks before graduation back in July 1978 with my two nieces. Couldn't wait till sis took that fucking picture so I could stand up.

 

Two questions Randy;
Is that your service firearm behind you? And
Did you have to sing the lumberjack song whenever you put on the red uniform?

 

That cannon is actually one that was used during the "March West" where the mounties were instrumental in establishing civilization in Canada's west in the mid 1800's. We had to put the run on American whiskey traders who got our aboriginals drunk and made off with their furs. Funny how situations change. In the early 1900's, it was the Canadians smuggling alcohol across the border during prohibition. We made Al Cappone rich and ruthless.

 

Oh. We sang "Rose Marie"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-OhgLGR4oE

 

That video was indeed impressive. ..friends from the north..... how many were in that precession?
Four deep....

 

How true

 

The commentators said there was over 1,000. We always marched four abreast. A funny side note. I broke my arm in boot camp. We march shoulder to shoulder. When the full arm cast came off, and I was put in just a lower arm cast, I went back to more routine duties like drill. Mike Frennette, a Frenchman from Quebec, marched immediately to my left. Almost every time our hands passed by each other, his knuckles rapped my cast. Every step there was a "Tabernak" uttered under his breath. Anyways I tried to get to that service. I was retired by then but could still wear the scarlet's for certain reasons and funerals of fallen brothers and sisters is one of those. To make a long story short, the person I talked to to see if they were putting a group together dropped the ball and never notified me. I was very disappointed in that moron.

Three of our members were gunned down in Moncton New Brunswick a few years back. There were apparently over 4,000 officers at that funeral from mostly Canada, but from the USA and even the UK.

 

I remember that procession and all the other police departments that took part in the honoring of the four policemen that were slain. I was project manager on a big network installation at Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma at the time. I was staying in a condo about a mile south of the coffee shop where the shootings took place and went in there quite often. In fact, the coffee shop was owned by a former policeman and that is why the others where there. After they re-opened, they raised a lot of money for the four families.