Humor Thread

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

 

Somewhere, somebody out there is thinking of you, and the tremendous impact you made on their life.

It's not me...I think you are a fucking idiot.

 

Hehehe

 

You see, it's like this..A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Many thanks go out to Clifford Claven for this brilliant and inspiring advice.

 

The Federales gallop up on their horses and come to a stop in front of a peon working in a field.

"Hey, peon!" says El Hefe, "Have you seen Pepe Gonzales, the famous Mexican outlaw?"

The peon looks up at him. Stands straight and tall and begins his tale.

"Yesterday, here in this very place. A man on a horse was passing through my fields and he rode up to me - just as you have, and he says to me that he is in fact Pepe Gonzales, the famous Mexican outlaw. When he stopped he drew his pistol and he aimed it right in my face."

El Hefe says "Please continue, tell us what transpired when the alleged Pepe Gonzales, famous Mexican outlaw, arrived here in your field and confronted you that way".

"Well", said the peon, "He said to me 'Hey Peon, give me your money', but I told him I was just a peon and I had no money I could give him".

"So, then Pepe Gonzales, that famous Mexican outlaw, said to me 'Then peon, you can just bend over scoop up a handful of that horse shit and eat it or I will shoot you dead here in your field'"...

"What else could I do, I am but a poor peon, so I scooped up a handful of horse shit and I ate it".

"Then Pepe Gonzales, that famous Mexican outlaw, he laughed and laughed, and then he laughed so hard he dropped his pistol".

"I jumped forward and I quickly grabbed his pistol and then I aimed it in his face and I said to him 'Pepe Gonzales, famous Mexican outlaw - you will get off your horse and eat shit' and that is just what he did."

"So - you ask me if I have seen Pepe Gonzales, the famous Mexican outlaw, and I tell you El Hefe, that yesterday we had lunch together".

 

LOOK MILDRED! If I said I would fix it, I will fix the fucking thing. You don't have to harp at me every six months. Fawk!

 

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"

 

Two Weeks

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

 

good one randy

 

Someone should try that at R3 this year.

 

That'd be funny!

 

The witch was SOW girl, bet he's pissed

 

Q: Why aren't there any Mexicans in Canada?
A: They can't run that far.*

 

A couple years ago, our government actually granted temporary work permits for thousands of farm workers from Mexico cause we Canadians are too good to pick fruit from trees. I think that has changed a bit.

 

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. I asked her if she ever wondered what it would be like to have children. She said that she was in fact disappointed that she probably never would. I slyly told her that if she ever wanted to be impregnated, I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically, of course. She shot me a death-ray stare and sarcastically said that, if she ever decides to reproduce, it would be by artificial means. I replied, "No problem. If you want artificial, I could say, 'I love you'!"

 

Why Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team..................
......... because anyone that can run, jump or swim is already here.

 

Grey. You oug did yourself. That was so fucking funny.

 

I'm still disturbed about this, think I have to call a therapist