Humor Thread

I see the Taptalk signature has updated itself for the 21st century


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Donald Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere
at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, he?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Trump replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin
Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.
That makes eight!"

Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Trump, the war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Trump asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's
ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion
have joined us as well!"

Donald was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that
I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke,
I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Trump!
I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over
a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million
prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

God Bless Us All !

Canadian and Proud of it!!!

 

Life is not fair.

 

Well, at least he got his shot at extending his side of the gene pool......

 

HARD WORK...

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:

What do you think about the situation in the stock market?

The Director asks in turn arrogantly:

Why are you so interested in that - that topic?

"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

What your name? Asks the Director.

John H. Smith.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:

Do we have a client named John H. Smith?

Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:

Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story:

I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was changed my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Las Vegas, passed away and left me a million dollars.

 

Lmao

 

Revival of the crazy hot matrix!

 

Ken goes out drinking with his buddy Henry. Ken proceeds to drink too much, and ends up puking on his shirt.
"My wife is going to be pissed" Ken says.
"I got you covered" says Henry, as he puts $10 in Kens shirt pocket, "You tell her that I puked on you and gave you $10 to get your shirt cleaned"

Ken gets home and does the two step stutter into the house.
"What the hell happened to your shirt?" his wife says.
"Henry puked on me, but he put $10 in my shirt pocket to get it cleaned because he felt bad."
Kens wife reaches into his shirt pocket, and says, "There's $20 here."

"Oh yeah" Ken replies, "He shit my pants too."

 

MY GAWD! That is too funny not to use elsewhere too!

 

Trader Joes is in Canada? That looks like Trader Joes, with the 3 buck Chuck Shaw wine.

 

Think twice before you move into that place with an HOA.