Humor Thread

The teacher asked the kids in her 5th grade class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card,
and all the while... Banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply continue with the lesson.
And how about you, Sarah?"
“I wanna be Larry's whore"..

 

Good thing you have a understanding wife.
That’s more my life


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Them: Why do you always carry a knife on you?

Me: Last time I tried to open a bag of nachos with my Glock 40, there were a lot of problems.

 

Priest and Nun stranded in Sahara
A nun and priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke: 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.’
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything; Father'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get out of here!'

 

Hypocrisy is the way of like in congress. Kind of like Trumps 2nd piece of legislation in office, 2.1 trillion that 99% went to billionaires and giant corporations (Trickle down economics on steroids, a failed model for regular people since Ronnie invented it.) and then congress fighting for about the same amount of money for infrastructure of the country. But then the dems add other crap attached to it and that crap becomes the arguing issue!
Guess i should have put this in the political thread but Manchin photo got me going. lol

 

That guy looks like Reg FFS

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,
Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.........
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.