Humor Thread

hehehehehe

 

I seriously laughed til I peed a little on this one :thumbsup:

 

your not shespecial...............

 

Subject: World's Shortest Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

 

Change the "No" to "Yes" and that is me. And one of us is happily married

 

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

 

Does anybody else hate it when their foot falls asleep during the day?

I do...the thing stays up all night...

So I stayed the night at my girls' place the other night and she asked me if I slept good.

I replied: No, I made a few mistakes!

 

lol that's a good one elf:thumbsup:
but, this talk seems very familiar...
hmm where have i seen "humor" like this before?
weird i cant quite put my finger on it...
what vfrworld member shares exactly these views about democrats, obama, etc?...

 

I eat pizza for breakfast. Taste is fine but the crust is totally limp and putrid. Not that the pizza understands how dry his pepper has become.

 

"King of the wild frontier."

On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up
and walked from his bunk on the ground floor of the Alamo
up to the observation post on the west wall.

Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already up there.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily
towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and
said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"

 

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the
hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with
the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the
bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the
manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.'

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'

 

A woman was waiting anxiously at the door of her church when the priest arrived. When he asked what was wrong she said, "My husband and I had a big fight last night, but he passed away before we could make up."

"Oh, that's terrible news, my dear. But can you tell me if he had any last words before he passed on?"

The widow responded, "Yes, Father. He said, 'Mary, please put down that shotgun!'"

 

This is a warning aimed at those older VFR riders that might already have AAADD but be unaware of it until its too late. !!!!!

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the waste basket under the table,
And notice that the basket is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the rubbish anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over..

The Coke is getting warm ,
And I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...

Do me a favour.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

 

so an elephant was walking around the jungle and happened over to the desert, when he came across a camel. He looked over at the camel and stopped. Then he asked "why do you have your boobs on your back?"

The camel looked over at the elephant and said, "yeah, this coming from a fker with a limp dick on his face..."

 

This one's for our brother Randy

Lady driving down the road passes a speed trap cleverly set up behind a hedgerow.
Officer pulls the lady over, asks for ID, he thinks , why not strike up a conversation?

"So what kind of work do you do?"

"I work in health care"

"Really, how so?'

"I'm a rectum stretcher"

"Whaaaaatt?"

"Yeah ,you see, I slowly stretch rectums before the surgical instruments are introduced, you'd be amazed how far you can go, why I have even heard that some veterinarian rectum stretchers can get some animal rectums up to 6 ft!"

"Wow, what would anyone do with a 6ft asshole?"

"Park him behind a hedgerow with a radar gun"

 

Um....ah....you know...I'm 5'11". And there were no hedges on the freeway either. I parked in front of broken down cars. Sneeky bastard

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

The big pickup line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the

eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,

front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean,

it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

 

some of these demotivational posters are really funny. i lol'd... :biggrin:

http://www.ridelust.com/category/motorcycles/page/3/