Humor Thread

Found this on a site called Quora::
A teacher said to her class, "Right, I'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.
This one is round and red."
Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored.
"It's a plum miss," said a girl.
"no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.
The next one is oval shaped and green."
The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."
No, it's a guana, but I like your thinking."
Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."
"Johnny, that's disgusting!" shouted the teacher.
" No it's a match, but I like your thinking."

 

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

 

That's cool. Wish I taken a pic of the School Bus look sidecar I saw a few years ago.

 

YO might have to be kind of old to really understand this. Like having had to watch TV back in the late 50's and early 60's. Before the appearance of the remote control for a TV.

 

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You've got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!”
“You're ovulating,” explained the rooster
“Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're crapping the bed!!!”

 

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.
So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.. "

 

My fucking oath...that was funny! Going to steal this and post it elsewhere.

 

So there's 3 construction workers working on a skyscraper. One brunette, one red-head, and a blonde. At lunch, the brunette opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I get them everyday! If I get one more PB&J I'm going to jump off this building!" Then the red-head opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I am so sick of those! Next time, I'm jumping off this building!" Then the blonde opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Will I ever get something else?! One more and I'm jumping too."
The next day each of them open their lunches to discover PB&j's, so they jump off the building and die.
At their funeral the brunette's wife cries and says, "Why did I pack him peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, why!?" The red-head wife cries and says, "Why didn't I pack him something else, WHY!?!?" Then the blonde's wife says, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."

 

A little boy approached a shopping Mall security guard and said,
"I've lost my granddad!"
The guard asked: "What's he like?"
The little guy thought for a moment and replied,
"Bourbon with coke and a blond with big tits."