When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but...
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
Ha...by self employed, i meant unemployed. I've already been throwing change into a jar, and my savings account, but depending on how things go,...
Depends on the financial situation coming up to the weekend. I am currently...uhhh...self employed at the moment. Hopefully things will be...
People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make...
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no." -Woody Allen
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. John Adams
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils
Separate names with a comma.
