Humor Thread

Railroad sex

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'



'Fantastic, you lucky b astard!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'


'Don’t know...Never found the head….

 

A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb

 

Dear sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f----in' address.

What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f----in' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f---in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(bureaucratic f---in' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed An Irate Citizen.

P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.........However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.

.....And we want them to run our health care?!? NOT!!

 

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?" "That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
Kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she
Is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted
to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating,
or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his
mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

Sooooo true...

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the Girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

Random blond jokes.
Two blondes living in were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????'


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!

 

You know. Had the Indians given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey, I might just have a piece of ass at Thanksgiving. And right there on the diningroom table no less with ma, pa and the inlaws seated all around me.

 

A guy goes for a job at a Blacksmith.

The Blacksmith asks him, " Have you any experience shoeing horses?"

"No" replies the guy, "But I once told a donkey to get lost !"

 

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

 

Blond and Curtains

A blond woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she
wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good
selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different
fabrics of curtains. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern.

The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inch."
He exclaims, "15 INCHES! What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer." The
surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need
curtains."


The blond replies, "HELLooooooo... It's got Windows!!" :biggrin:

 

Lame joke I love

So a guy walks into a bar, and an ostrich follows him in...

He walks up to the bar, orders 2 shots and a bowl of birdseed. He sits at the bar, ostrich standin' next to him. they enjoy their order, and the guy goes to pay. Bartender says, "that'll be $12.77". the guy reaches into his pocket without lookin and pulls out exact change. then he and the ostrich leave, the bartender staring after them.

A week later, guy comes back, ostrich in tow. He orders a mixed drink and a beer, and a bowl of birdseed. He downs his drinks, while the bird eats. Goes to pay, Bartender says, "that'll be 14.53". Guy pulls out exact change again, without looking.

Bartender asks him, "how do you keep doing that?"
Guy responds, "I found this genie who offered me 2 wishes. So first I wished that everytime I had to pay for something, I'd have exact change in my pocket."
Bartender says, "ok, so whats with the ostrich?"

Guy replies, "my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

New Supermarket

The newest Safeway opened in Winnipeg Manitoba. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

Cake or Bed?

Cake Or Bed

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,

Honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily, Fix The Lights Now? Does It Look Like I Have Ge Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So.

Fine, Then The Wife Asks, Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right

To Which He Replied, Fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So

Fine, She Says Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break

I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix Steps He Says, Does It Look Like I Have Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So
I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!!!

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours................................

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home

As He Walks Into The House He Notices That The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working

As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed..

Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?

She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.

Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.

He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.

He Said, So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?

She Replied,

Hellooooo.. Do You See Betty Crocker Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!

 

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without any warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it's likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. stick it in the camel and let's get the f--- out of here!'

 

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

 

so these two guys are out hunting, and one of them drops to the ground dead. the other one fishes out his cell phone and calls the 911 opperator and says that he needs help his friend is dead. the operator replies "first you need to calm down and then make sure he is dead". "Ok" the man replied back, "hold on" after a few seconds a gunshot rings out. the man gets back on the phone " Okay now what?"

 

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

 

OMG. :biggrin: