Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Golf Lessons

    THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF

    A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

    She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

    One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

    He never even had a chance to duck.
     
  2. crustyrider

    crustyrider New Member

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::hurt::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::pound::pound::pound::pound:
     
  3. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

    He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

    At lunch time she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

    Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra.... I'm still not hungry.'

    'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm fuckin' starving!
     
  4. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
    bulb?


    Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fuck'n house knows HOW to change a fuck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the fuck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck'n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

    But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the fuck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME fuck'n SPOT!!!!!


    AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

    IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE FUCK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCK'N HOUSE!!
    IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

    AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE FUCK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
    I'm sorry.
    What was the question
     
  5. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    :funky:A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

    The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

    'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me..... I am celebrating'

    'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

    'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

    'What a coincidence,' says the man.. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

    'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

    'I used a different cock,' he replied.

    The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.':ncb:
     
  6. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    (Do we have boundaries on these jokes?)

    What's the difference between jelly and jam?

    I can't jelly my c**k down her throat.

    *****************

    The Mexican word for the day is Chino. As in, I put my c**k in her ass, but chino like it.
     
  7. CandyRedRC46

    CandyRedRC46 Member

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    lmao! :ninja:
     
  8. PyroMcnoob

    PyroMcnoob New Member

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    wow... just, wow...
     
  9. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

    The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

    The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget.
     
  10. PyroMcnoob

    PyroMcnoob New Member

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    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! :thumbsup:
     
  11. Keager

    Keager Member

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    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

    The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

    The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

    The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

    The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

    Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

    She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach and 34" hips.

    When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
     
  12. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    I met a guy in a bar the other day - well, he used to be a guy, but underwent a sex change. So after getting reacquainted, I figured I'd ask "her" a few personal questions.

    Me: So what hurt most about the operation? Was it when they cut your nuts off?
    Her: Nah, that didn't hurt.

    Me: So musta been when they cut your pecker off??
    Her: Nah, that didn't hurt either.

    Me: What about when they stretched your chest out like that to give you those enormous breasts?
    Her: Never felt a thing.

    Me: So what could have possibly hurt more than any of that?
    Her: Well, its when they took this little tube, stuck it down my ear, an sucked half my brain out.
     
  13. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

    So the proctologist left.
     
  14. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    1. Her Diary

    Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

    Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.

    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
    On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
    Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

    He fell asleep - I cried I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


    2. HIS DIARY

    I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid!
     
  15. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    The Miracle of Toilet Paper
    Fresh from her shower, she stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies. She stops. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
     
  16. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there & you say in front of others what's wrong & sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, & I love the way this old guy handled it:

    An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

    "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated & said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room & say things like that."

    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong & I told you," he said.

    The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something & then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

    The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

    The man walked out, waited several minutes & then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly & asked, "Yes?"

    "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

    "What's wrong with your ear, Sir?"

    "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
     
  17. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 &your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.

    "The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a$280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
     
  18. PyroMcnoob

    PyroMcnoob New Member

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    2 rednecks are sittin at a bar, drinkin... behind them at a table, a lady is eating a sammich, when she starts to choke.

    One of the rednecks hears her, looks over and says, "kin ya swaller?" She nods no.

    He says, "kin ya breathe?" and she nods furiously no, her face turning blue as she stands up...

    The redneck comes over, hikes up her skirt, and runs his tongue up her buttcheek... in her shock she spasms, and the food comes popping out of her mouth...

    The redneck sits back down and says to his buddy, "I'd heard tell of that there Hind Lick Manuever, but had never had to use it til today"
     
  19. Pliskin

    Pliskin New Member

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    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using t his new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."



    MALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up .
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.
     
  20. John451

    John451 Member

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    Location:
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    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
    middle of the road.

    He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right
    in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
    gets out to see what
    has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde
    woman driving down the highway sees
    a man crying at the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of
    the car and asks the man what's wrong?

    "I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
    killed it."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry."

    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the
    limp, dead rabbit,
    bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down
    the road.

    Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again; he hops
    down the road another 10 feet,
    turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats
    this again and again and again,
    until he hops off out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is
    in that can?
    What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.


    It says..... (Are you ready for this?)


    Are you sure?

    This is bad!


    You know you could just click off and not read the punch line.


    You know you're gonna be sorry.

    Last chance.

    OK, here it is!

    It says,

    Hair Spray -
    Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.
     
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