Humor Thread

A boy asks his father the difference between theoretically and realistically. The father tells the boy to ask his sister if she would sleep with someone for a million dollars. The boy goes, comes back and tells him she said yes. The father tells the boy to ask his mother the same question, the boy leaves and returns with the same answer, yes. The father tells the boy, theoretically we have two million dollars, but realistically we live with two whores.

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with
it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your
hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was but useless in a fight.'

 

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we' d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings . Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

 

I tell my wife I have to change my mind once in awhile, otherwise it gets dirty. :wink:

Hell, who am I kidding? My mind is dirty all the time anyway! :biggrin:

 

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.’

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'



That's when the fight started.

 

An Acutal Add on Craiglist.

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry; I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentally challenged.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Sunset State Beach Camping on the 26th of September for two days; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

 

Ten rules for Dating my Daughter:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely.

Signed:__________________________________________________
(Prospective date)

Signed:__________________________________________________
(R.S. SIMPSON) Father of prospective date

Date and Time:____________________________________________

 

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your
groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to
remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Chicago
Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
piss in your eye."

 

Little Billie and the Weather Vane

Teacher asks her class, "What is the animal depicted on a
weather vane?"

Little Billie says, "I know, teacher, I know!"

Against her better judgment she calls on him and he says,
"Teacher, it is a cock."

Teacher asks the class, "Why is a cock on a weather vane?"

"I know, I know!" says Billie.

"OK, Billie Why?"

"Because if it had a cunt on it, the wind would whistle right
through it."

 

Okay, so I have a couple stray cats on my property, if I were to get a Hava-Heart trap set to catch one. Hypothetically, how long would I need to leave the cat in it until it dies? :crazy:

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, scientists in New York State found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters and, shortly after, the L.A. Times wrote: “California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

One week later, the Chilliwack Times in British Columbia reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in brambles near Chilliwack, Ole Karbaluski, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found……absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, British Columbia had already gone wireless.”

 

I recently had my physical - I guess it's a good idea when you turn 50. So my doctor walks into the examination room and says, "Corky, you're going to have to stop masturbating." I was stunned of course and asked, "Why?!" The doc says, "I'm trying to examine you!"

 

Twin brothers were named Joe and John Banner. The single brother was the rpoud owner of a dilapitated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few dyas later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John said, "Oh I am so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible."

Then Joe spoke up saying, "Well, I'm not the least bit worried, she was as rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like a dead fish even the first time I got into her. She made waterfaster than anything I had ever seen. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger everytime I used her and she leaked like anything."

"But this is what finished her." Joe goes on. "Four guys from the other side of town were looking for a good time and asked if I would rent her to them. I warned themthat she wasn't too hot but they said they would like a crack at her, anyhow. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle."

At this point the old lady fainted

 

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

 

Dr. Einstein I Presume?

While hiking in the mountains one day I came across a gor-
geous gorge that I thought was an echo canyon. I shouted,
"Hello there." But the response sounded to me like, "Hello
where?"

I tried again. "How do you do?"

A moment later the report came back sounding like, "How do
I do what?"

Baffled and amused I decided to give it the ultimate test.
"You're not really an echo canyon, are you?"

The response from the big ditch confirmed my suspicions.
"Brilliant deduction, Einstein."

 

Cursing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

]Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shiting me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem .
N umber 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues... INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
Number14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick .

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

Let me see if I understasnd all this ~ ~ ~ ~

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.



IF YOU CROSS THE CANADIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN OTTAWA AND IN MANY INSTANCES YOU CAN VOTE.

 

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, URRRghhhh....'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

 

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say. I have been thinking about retirement again

 

thanks canuck... first cocoa spit of the day :biggrin1: