Humor Thread

Mr Jones is at home when his phone rings.
It’s his wife’s doctor.
The doctor says. Mr Jones this is your wife’s doctor.we ran some tests on her but we
mixed them up with someone else’s.
She either has aids or Alzheimer’s.
Holy crap says mr Jones. What should I do?
Leave her in the middle of the desert. If she comes home don’t fuck her.

 

Don't you just hate it when you are n bed and are just trying to pull the covers up, but instead punch yourself in the face?

 

Randy, your wife is cunningly camouflaged in the bed mate.

 

Only in cases and anus gaseous errupticitis..

 

Hahahahaha

 

The low down on Blinker Fluid:
https://jalopnik.com/here-s-how-actual-blinker-fluid-could-work-1822456779

 

...one turd looks at the other and says "Are we dreaming?" The other says "I don't know, pinch me."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

You know? When you buy a bag of salad and it starts turning brown and gets that slimy water in it? That is like TOTALY gross!

Donuts never do that.

 

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."

 

Early morning coffee spit on this one. Shorted out the computer.

 

Blonde?