Humor Thread

Love it! Shared.

 

Well on some bodies, that's for sure!

 

Woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get a picture of Elvis on her right inner thigh. She picks an image from the flash on the wall, the guy goes to work. Awhile later, she sees the finished tat and says"This is horrible, looks nothing like The King!" The tattoo artist goes, "Lady, see those awards? I'm the best ink slinger in town. Tell you what, if you pick another face of Elvis, I'll do your left inner thigh and we'll call it even?" Reluctantly, she agrees. When he finishes, she's outraged, "This looks even less like Elvis!!" The tattoo artist replies, "Lady, you are bustin' my balls! Can we get someone off the street to convince you I did right by you?" "OK, OK." the lady replies in frustration. So, the tattoo artist grabs an old man walking by. The old guy looks right, looks left, thinks for a second, then goes, "I don't know who them two fellers are on the left an right, but that one in the middle, that's Willie Nelson!"

 

Photobomb level: Canine

 

There was a little boy who had horrible diarrhea. Stomach was cramping and he was in horrendous pain and moaning in the bathroom.
His mom comes to the bathroom door and asks if every thing is ok and if she can get him something
To which the boy replies. "Can you get me some Viagra."
Confused the mother asks "why would you need viagra?




"Well, I heard you tell dad to take some the other night when his sh*t wouldn't get hard."

 

Doug that was most excellent
I needed that good laugh
Thanks bud


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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted. I'll do the fuckin dishes!!
--
Gregg


Hahahahaha!!!
Hide quoted text

On Sun, Jun 3, 2018, 6:48 AM Gregg LeBel <grenobel@gmail.com> wrote:
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted. I'll do the fuckin dishes!!
--
Gregg

 

You ever notice that when people are with a pregnant woman, the pat her belly and say "congratulations" . They new grab the man's penis and give it a good shake and say "Job well done" do they?

 

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hahaha!

Reminds me of a running joke we have at work when we're talking about various martial arts - what to train, what we like or recommend, what's effective, etc - we say "Mexican Judo", they say "huh, Mexican Judo?", we say "yeah! Judon't know if I gotta knife, Judon't know if I gotta gun..." haha

 

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan,
several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict. She noted
that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She
recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands.
Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now
seem to and are happy to, maintain the old customs.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines.”
No matter what language you speak or where you go the moral of the story is


BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A REALLY SMART WOMAN.