Humor Thread

Two ladies are having a conversation about Valentine's day

"I'll probably get chocolates"

"Really? I always get flowers but I hate it"

"Why?"

"Well, they're usually really elaborate and expensive, so of course they come with "expectations" and I dont feel like spending next three days on my back with my legs in the air"

"Wow, don't you have a vase?"

 

smell her taco..............author unknown.........

 

Once, somebody stole my motorcycle. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

 

question: which side of a gorrilla is the hairiest?



































































Answer: the outside
This joke was told to me by my three year old...

 

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

 

Teacher of a grade three class was having a lesson with her class.
Class. I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that starts with that letter, then spell it out
Class "A"?
Little Johnny puts his hand up. Teacher knows Johnny is from the wrong side of the tracks and has a bit of a dirty mouth so she ignores him.
Sally has her hand up, Sally, what word starts with the letter "A"?
Apple...A.P.P.L.E.
Very Good Sally. Class, the letter "B"?
Johnny again has his hand up. Teacher is thinking bitch or something like this will come out of Johnny's mouth so she again ignores him.
Billy puts up his hand. OK Billy, what word starts with "B"?
Butter B.U.T.T.E.R.
Very good billy.
SO the teacher goes through the alphabet and each time she gives a letter, Johny waves his hands in the air but teacher ignors him and chooses another student. Class, What starts with the letter "R"?
Again Johnny has his hands up. Teacher ignors Johnny because he has such a foul mouth. But no one else has their hands up. Class...Anyone the letter"R"? Still no takers other than Johnny.
Teacher thinks for a moment. What bad work could possibly start with "R"? She cannot think of one so she invites Johnny,
OK Johnny, what starts with the letter "R"
Rats! R.A.T.S.
That is very good Johnny.
Huge fucking rats. And the fucking bastards have cocks on them 15 fucking inches long.

 

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly ffered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on theirfeet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very y nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

 

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper? He prayed to Santa!!!

 

Ok, a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

One for Bitterpill

Beaudreaux dies and goes to hell. As the devil is makeing his rounds he see's Beaudreaux relaxing in a lawn chair with sunglasses on. The devil asks, "Beaudreaux this is hell and its hot, you arent suppossed to be enjoying hell." Beaudreaux replys, " Oh devil, dis' aint nothin like July in the Louisiana bayou." So the devil walks away thinking to himself I'll show him and turned up the theremastat. A little while later he walks by and see's Beaudreaux cooking crawfish. The devil walks by again and and says, "Beaudreaux this is hell and I turned up the tempreture. What are you doing cooking crawfish?" Beaudreaux replys, "Oh devil, dis is nuthin like August in the Louisiana bayou." As the devil walks away he tells himself, " I'll really shw him this time." So the devil turns the theremastat way, way down. The devil then see's Beaudreaux slipping on the ice screaming, hooting and hollering....and lauging. He looks like he is having more fun now than when it was super hot. So the devil being curious walks over to Beadreaux an before he can ask, Beaudreaux is screaming "THE SAINTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!! THE SAINTS ARE GOIG TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!"

 

Only a dyslexic can do that without getting slapped.

 

lmao that's exactly what I thought when I read that too =P

 

Written by a third grader...
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write how they spent their holiday. One child wrote the following:

We always used to go to Grandma and Grandpa's . They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. There is a swimming pool, and they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and drive around in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out and they eat the same thing every night "Early birds." Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their
grandchildren.

 

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,

even if someone tells him where it is.

 

Just in Case You are a Senior and Get a Check for $250...

By end of this year, we seniors will again receive an Economic
Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program.


I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
------------ --------- ---------
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
*****
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras or Guatemala .
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay
management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.
*****
Or, you can keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American- owned businesses still operating in the US .
*****
Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a
prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until
you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.

*****

 

Little Johnnie bursts into his parents' bedroom unexpectedly and sees his Dad putting on a condom. He asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" Dad tries to think of something quickly and comes up with, "I'm going to catch a mouse." Little Johnnie gets a puzzled look on his face and says, "What are you going to do then, fuck it?"

Moral: Never assume your kids don't know what you're up to.

 

One thing about the Aussies is that their hearts and humor are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say, ‘Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet’."

 

Little Johnny walks in on mom and dad doing it. Everyone is startled, but Dad just gives Johnny a wink and a grin, so Johnny sheepishly leaves and closes the door behind him.

About an hour later, Dad is looking around the house for Johnny. He finally opens up Johnny's bedroom door, and there's Johnny going to town on Grandma! Johnny looks at dad and says "not so funny when its your mom, huh?"