Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. Nelix

    Nelix New Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2016
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    147
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Location:
    Paisley
    Map
    In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

    The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

    Dear Dr. Laura:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

    1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations.
    A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.
    The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

    4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
    The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
    Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

    Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your adoring fan.

    James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
    (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
     
    Lint, Gator, 34468 Randy and 3 others like this.
  2. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    12,436
    Likes Received:
    667
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    Doc says, "Joe, I got some bad news for you. You've got six months to live." Joe says, "Six months?

    Doc, I can't pay your bill in six months, I can't do it!"

    Doc says, "OK, I give you a year..."
     
  3. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    12,436
    Likes Received:
    667
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    My therapist told me that a great way to let go of my anger is to write letters to people I hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
     
    duccmann likes this.
  4. BWeiss

    BWeiss Johnny Partseed

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2008
    Messages:
    1,568
    Likes Received:
    102
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Location:
    Rancho Cordova, Ca
    Map
    A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up.
    The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
    He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
    The man in the car says "I found them.
    I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
    The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
    "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
    The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
    The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
    "Hey, they're still here!
    I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
    "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time.
    Today I am taking them to the beach."
     
    Lint, VFR4Lee and 34468 Randy like this.
  5. VFR4Lee

    VFR4Lee Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2016
    Messages:
    770
    Likes Received:
    312
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Reseda / LA
    Map
    Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.

    His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

    The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

    The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

    To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services.

    "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

    The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...


    So I switched the heads. " :Rolleyes:
     
    Lint, Doug7200 and 34468 Randy like this.
  6. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    12,436
    Likes Received:
    667
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    The bigger a person you are, the harder it is for you to become a victim of kidnapping. Stay safe. Drink lots of beer and eat more cake.
     
    Lint and duccmann like this.
  7. dbuzz77

    dbuzz77 New Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2017
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Location:
    South Lake, Saskatchewan
    Map
    someone stole the toilet out of the police station, the police say they have nothing to go on
     
    VFR4Lee likes this.
  8. BWeiss

    BWeiss Johnny Partseed

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2008
    Messages:
    1,568
    Likes Received:
    102
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Location:
    Rancho Cordova, Ca
    Map
    Oh, the irony...

    [​IMG]
     
    Lint and 34468 Randy like this.
  9. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    12,436
    Likes Received:
    667
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    Pre marriage counselling firms should offer free condoms.
     
  10. katatonic

    katatonic New Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2015
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Location:
    Guelph, Ontario
    In light of recent events....[​IMG]

    Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk
     
    VFR4Lee, Lint, BWeiss and 1 other person like this.
  11. Thumbs

    Thumbs Insider

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    193
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Location:
    Bath(ish)
    Map
    LAST RIDE ON MY HARLEY?


    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse…

    "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,

    I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    "Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess." .....
     
    duccmann, Lint and katatonic like this.
  12. Lint

    Lint Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2012
    Messages:
    4,742
    Likes Received:
    836
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Simi Valley, Ca.
    Map
  13. duccmann

    duccmann Insider

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2010
    Messages:
    8,567
    Likes Received:
    504
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    SoCal
    Map
    POLICE WARNING:
    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
    Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman
    needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
    After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
    After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
    At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
    If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
    VFR4Lee and Samuel like this.
  14. duccmann

    duccmann Insider

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2010
    Messages:
    8,567
    Likes Received:
    504
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    SoCal
    Map
    Excellent


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  15. Samuel

    Samuel New Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2006
    Messages:
    666
    Likes Received:
    236
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Location:
    Los Angeles County
    Map
    [​IMG]
     
    BWeiss and duccmann like this.
  16. Doug7200

    Doug7200 New Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    May 25, 2017
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Location:
    El Segundo or Gardnerville!!!
    Map
    GRANDPA'S ON THE PORCH AGAIN.....

    A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

    "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

    The old man looked off in the distance without answering .

    "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

    The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
     
    duccmann, VFR4Lee, OOTV and 1 other person like this.
  17. Lint

    Lint Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2012
    Messages:
    4,742
    Likes Received:
    836
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Simi Valley, Ca.
    Map
  18. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    12,436
    Likes Received:
    667
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    Female traffic violator: "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty women."

    Cop: "That's correct. I don't. Sign here."
     
    katatonic and Doug7200 like this.
  19. Doug7200

    Doug7200 New Member

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    May 25, 2017
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Location:
    El Segundo or Gardnerville!!!
    Map
  20. katatonic

    katatonic New Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2015
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Location:
    Guelph, Ontario
Related Topics

Share This Page