Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    1,582
    Likes Received:
    1,096
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    Bath(ish)
  2. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
  3. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    1,582
    Likes Received:
    1,096
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    Bath(ish)
  4. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    Exceptional!
    A Tibetan monk has been discovered in the mountains of Nepal. He is considered the oldest person in the world at 201 years old. It's in a state of trance or meditation called "takatet".
    He was found wrapped in a fur and some scientists consider him a mummy, but it actually has vital signs.
    Among his things, they found a paper that said, "Keep believing all the bullshit you read on Facebook, you'll go very far"...
     
  5. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    [​IMG]
    85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
    The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
    Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
     
    Greytec, VFR4Lee and Viffer J like this.
  6. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    1,582
    Likes Received:
    1,096
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    Bath(ish)
  7. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    5 -Year-Old's First Job
    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
    Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
    The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
    The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock."
    Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
    Have a Great Day!
     
    VFR4Lee likes this.
  8. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
  9. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    ROMANCE in your 60's
    So I was lying in bed one night, falling asleep but my honey was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
    She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
    Wearily I reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
    A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
    Mildly irritated, I reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
    Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
    Angrily, I threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
    "Where are you going?" She asked..
    "To get my teeth!" I said .....
     
  10. raYzerman

    raYzerman Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2019
    Messages:
    1,228
    Likes Received:
    450
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Millgrove, ON
    Map
    When my wife said "you weren't even listening to me, were you?", I thought "that's a strange way to start a conversation".
     
    34468 Randy likes this.
  11. dbuzz77

    dbuzz77 New Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2017
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    52
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Location:
    South Lake, Saskatchewan
    Map
    a wise man said " If you have a horse, you should ride it."
     
  12. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
  13. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    1,582
    Likes Received:
    1,096
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    Bath(ish)
  14. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS Something for the church-going mates to ponder ... LAST SUNDAY IN CHURCH ...
    ... the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
    'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '
    The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
    Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
    'Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?
    1010
     
  15. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    Thumbs likes this.
  16. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    1,582
    Likes Received:
    1,096
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    Bath(ish)
  17. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2007
    Messages:
    13,741
    Likes Received:
    1,557
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Location:
    Chilliwack, BC Canada
    Map
    Now this is really not true. It is only like this during the winter months. In the summer, it is a part way up a rock wall. Unless you live on the Prairie Provinces. In such case, you park on an ant hill in a 1971 Pinto Hatchback. parking in Canada.jpg
     
  18. raYzerman

    raYzerman Member

    Country:
    Canada
    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2019
    Messages:
    1,228
    Likes Received:
    450
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Millgrove, ON
    Map
    This letter, in response to an insurance inquiry......

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

    I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
     
    34468 Randy likes this.
  19. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    1,582
    Likes Received:
    1,096
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    Bath(ish)
    The Spirit of Xmas 2021

    BC31F1B5-819E-4F6A-8859-457011BCF683.jpeg 39BBA0B4-0375-498E-9B72-0C4F36461BF0.jpeg
    B16C61BC-737E-4511-BDF9-26A5F6DBC1EB.jpeg
     
  20. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    1,582
    Likes Received:
    1,096
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Location:
    Bath(ish)
Related Topics

Share This Page