Humor Thread

Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I've been to that says Insufficient Funds.

 

Barny and Fred worked at a saw mill. Barny was working a bit too close to the saw blade when Wham!, his arm was cut off. Fred quickly grabbed the arm, put it in a plastic bag and rushed them both to the local ER.

The next day, Fred was walking through a nearby park and there was Barny, playing tennis. "Is is amazing. New medical technology being what it is allows you to recover and play tennis.

A couple weeks later Barny and Fred were at work at the saw mill again and Barny again got too close to the blade. Wham, there goes his right leg. Fred quickly grabbed the leg, put it into a plastic bag and rushed them both to the nearby ER.

The next day, sure enough, Fred was walking through the park and there was Barny, playing rugby. "Once again. new medical technology has come to your rescue and you can play rugby. Amazing".

A couple weeks later again, Fred and Barny were working at the saw mill. Barny managed to get his head where it should not have been and off goes his head. Fred gathered up Barny and his head and rushed them to the ER.

The next day, Fred was walking through the park. No Barny. The day after, still no Barny. The third day. Still no Barny. So, Fred went to that ER and asked about his friend Barny. A nurse spoke with him. "Yes. He was brought in here a few days ago. But the idiot who brought him had put his head in a plastic bag. Barny suffocated.

 

My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while standing on the scale.
That’s not gonna help!” She said laughing.
Actually, it does it’s the only way I can see the number

 

...or she kicked him out?

 

I think I would DO that more than twice?
But I WOULD make sure I did it right every time!

 

You know you were dealt a very bad hand of cards when you walk into a wall with a hard on, and break your nose first.

 

Is this you Cap? Its a good thing I didn't run into guys like this when I was still working the streets. I would have to take two profile photos every time I took this guy's mug shots.

 

I THINK I MIGHT BE EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED.
I HAVEN'T GIVEN A SHIT IN DAYS!

 

Where and how did you get a picture of my brother?

 

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb!
Murphy watches in amazement!
The foreman shouts “Paddy you're mad, go home” so he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” asks the foreman.
“I cant work in the friggin dark!” says Murphy.

 

It was on a wanted poster