Humor Thread

>
>
> SMART ARSE ANSWERS
>
> 6th Place
>>>
>>>It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
>>>
>>>'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
>>>the
>>>front row.
>>>
>>>'What are my choices?' the man asked.
>>>
>>>'Yes or no,' she replied.
>>>
>>>
> 5th Place
>>>
>>>A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
>>>tickets.
>>>
>>>As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
>>>his trench coat and flashed her.
>>>
>>>Without blinking an eyelid she said,
>>>
>>>'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
>>>
>>>
> 4th Place
>>>
>>>A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
>>>but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
>>>
>>>She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
>>>
>>>The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
>>>
>
> 3rd Place
>>>
>>>The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
>>>for speeding.
>>>
>>>'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
>>>
>>>The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
>>>
>>>When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
>>>without a ticket.
>>>
>
> 2nd Place
>>>
>>>A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
>>>
>>>A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
>>>
>>>Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
>>>under it.
>>>
>>>Cars are backed up for miles.
>>>
>>>Finally, a police car comes up.
>>>
>>>The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
>>>
>>>And said to the driver,
>>>
>>>'Got stuck, eh?'
>>>
>>>The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
>>>petrol!'
>>>
>
> SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
>>>
>>>A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
>>>final exam.
>>>
>>>'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
>>>tomorrow.
>>>
>>>I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
>>>or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
>>>whatsoever!'
>>>
>>>
>>>A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
>>>
>>>
>>>'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
>>>utter
>>>sexual exhaustion?'
>>>
>>>The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
>>>
>>>When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
>>>shook her head and sweetly said,
>>>
>>>
>>>'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

 

It was the Mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same town.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift
cheque for $50.

At the second house they presented him a nice gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde in
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with passionate love. When he had
had enough they went downstairs, where she made a big breakfast of
Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cups
bottom edge. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but
what's the five dollars for?'

Well,' said the beautiful blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.
'I asked him what to give you'. He said, 'F**k him, give him fivebucks.
'She then smiled and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.

 

Mr Fish
Mr not fish
Mr Fish
C.D.B.E.I's
Whale Oil
Beef Hooked
Mr Fish

If you can't figure this one out, I will translate later.

 

A boy asks his father the difference between theoretically and realistically. The father tells the boy to ask his sister if she would sleep with someone for a million dollars. The boy goes, comes back and tells him she said yes. The father tells the boy to ask his mother the same question, the boy leaves and returns with the same answer, yes. The father tells the boy, theoretically we have two million dollars, but realistically we live with two whores.

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

 

Them are fish
Them are not fish
Them are fish
See the beady eyes
Well I'll be f*cked
Them are fish

I live in Tennessee and can speak redneck

 

Hooorah. This was actually written in Newfaniese

 

Wow I didn't know they spoke redneck in Newfoundland:cheersaf:

 

When Joey fail to out run PoPo

Seven Stages of death Video

 

Regardless of the cities best efforts and enforcement, drag racing continues in Vancouver.

 

MR Ducks
MR NOT
CMwings
LILB MR ducks

 

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and
puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My wife is driving me crazy.

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why
am I tied to the bed?

 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

Oh so true
:cheersaf:

 

I am better at being fiscally responsible when it come time to spending than my wife. With my paycheque I am able to pay off the mortgage, buy a new truck and fifth wheel. Pay the utilities and groceries. Pay for the vacations and home inprovements. I manage to do all this while what does the wife do with hers? Well she just puts the stuff in her little bank account and it sits there doing nothing.

 

M R puppies
MR NOT
O S A R

C M P M

 

So the wife and I are having a discussion about something this morning and we cannot come to an agreement. I take off my Levis and throw them at her and say "Put these on!"

She throws them to the floor and replies." I can't wear those!"

"That's right. Now we both know who wears the pants in this house."

She promptly removes her panty hose and passes them over to me. I am starting to get excited. She has come to realize what's what here. She says " Put these on." Now I am starting to get a bit hot. Didn't know she had this side to her. But alas, she is very petite.

"I can't get into these" I say in dissappointment.

She comes back in a cool calm voice, " That's right. And you never will until your attitude changes!"

 

ah ! I CAN understand this !
Lamps,
Carmine

 

I gotta tell you guys, I just about peed with this one.

Freaky Best Man Speech

Unfortunately this clip was removed from the site from by the originator. Sorry folks it was indeed funny.