Humor Thread

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart, and as they had not been dating very long, and after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike just the right note---romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his friend, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. His friend bought a pair of silk panties for his wife. In Gift Wrap, the clerk unknowingly mixed up the items—the friend got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:



"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Originally, I was going to buy you the long ones with buttons, but then I remembered that your sister wears the short ones that are easier to remove. I know these are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during this coming year. I hope you will wear them on Friday night."

All my love, Ted
PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

 

Folded down with a little fur showing.:drums:

 

"a Man Escapes From Prison Where He Has Been For 15 Years. He Breaks Into A House To Look For Money And Guns And Finds A Young Couple In Bed. He Orders The Guy Out Of Bed And Ties Him To A Chair, While Tying The Girl To The Bed, He Gets On Top Of Her, Kisses Her Neck, Then Gets Up And Goes Into The Bathroom. While He's In There, The Husband Tells His Wife: "listen, This Guy's An Escaped Convict, Look At His Clothes!!! He Probably Spent Lots Of Time In Jail And Hasn't Seen A Woman Inyears, I Saw How He Kissed Your Neck, If He Wants Sex, Don't Resist, Don't Complain, Do Whatever He Tells You. This Guy Is Probably Very Dangerous, If He Gets Angry He'll Kill Us. Be Strong Honey, I Love You" To Which The Wife Responds: " He Wasn't Kissing My Neck. He Was Whispering In my Ear. He Told Me He Was Gay. Thought You Were Cute, And Asked If We Had Any Vaseline. I Told Him It Was In The Bathroom. Be Strong Honey. I Love You Too

 

Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folk's
home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were
married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual
orgasm?"

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and
said, "No, no, I think we had State Farm."
;-)

 

A priest,a minister,and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender says "Is this a joke"?......How do you make a blond,s eyes lightup?shine a flashlight in her ear....A horse walks into a bar,bartender says, ''Hey,why the long face"?.?, was the bartender blond?I am and have more fun than the average bear.Peace,eh!

 

Bear Bells

In Alaska's National Forests, a tour guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic."

To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

 

Bear bells,barbells,beer bills,bar thrills,speed kills,was u born in Perth.Get me goin' I'm on Earth...sorry.Don't let the parte' stop.I think the tigers get too serious.Little gangsters

 

I got this email a few weeks back..

Dear Friends,
I want to thank you one and all for the e-mails you have
forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one
about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have
to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I
receive the $25,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending
me for participating in their special email programmes. Or
from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split
seven million pounds with me for pretending to be a long
lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a friend along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan , and even
Falkirk.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites my bum.
I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the
car park because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will
shit on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and fleas from
12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way ... a South American scientist after a lengthy
study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't
have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the
mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!*

 

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in house wares. Get on it right away.'
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna=2 0look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...

14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

 

Randy next time you buy condoms ask the store clerk where their fitting room is

 

You're a shit disturber. Matter of fact, you have caused me Anus Eruptacitis

 

Do you know why Mormons never die in earthquakes?
Because they are always standing in your doorway!



Here's a Honda joke:
Do you know what you get when you put a turbocharger on a Fit?
A Tantrum!

 

Hey thats a big word for me. have no idea what it means. I dont think i should know either. should get that checked out or somthin like this poor ass
LOL

 

Two men were walking their dogs in
Jasper realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk. "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" asked Jasper

. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

 

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

 

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big rock between you and BC.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick .
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
(Her first name is really Morna.)

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

 

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I sleep with when you've got a
headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

 

A blonde is on a bus, when suddenly she farts. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time she farts, she times it with the music. When she starts making her way to the door as she exits the bus Everybody is throwing dagger looks at her, and she suddenly realizes. ............

She's listening to her IPod !

 

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.
The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."

The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."

The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."