Humor Thread

Didn't cover how many Doctors killed ppl on purpose either.otstir:

 

Wife is in hospital

So I found the wife on the floor when I got home, called 911 and they took to the hospital. The Doctor comes out and tells me, "Your wife doesn't look good at all". I told him I already knew that but she is a great cook and good with the kids.

 

I had just got out of shower and blow drying my hair, pointed the dryer down to my junk, wife walks in looks at me and asks me what i am doing.. apparently ‘heating up your dinner” That's when the fight started....

 

Testicle Therapy

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied: “It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.”

 

My pup and I agree about Monday mornings..

 

Proverbs...

Maybe this will lift your Monday morning spirits...

PROVERBS:

1. A day without sunshine is like... Night.

2.. On the other hand... You have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK... So what is the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

My wife said our marriage was becoming stale and boring because I am a compulsive planner and rarely do anything spontaneous or surprise her.

So I waited until she fell asleep and shaved her eyebrows off.

 

I'm training my new dog because his behavior has become intolerable

Or whatever hitting it with a train is called.

 

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A COP
-You have the bladder capacity of five people combined.
-You have restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
-You believe that 50 per cent of people are a waste of good air.
-Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call.
-You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
-You support aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
-You disbelieve 90 per cent of what you hear and 75 per cent of what you see.
-You have your weekends off planned for a year.
-You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
-You refer to your favourite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.
-You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide: Getting it right the first time".
-You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
-You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
-You know anyone who says "I only had two beers" is going to blow at least a .15
-You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
-Anyone has ever said to you "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me".
-People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places... and you know where they're located.
-You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.
-You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
-You walk into places and people think its high comedy to grab their buddy and shout "They've come to get you, Bill".
-You do not see daylight from November until May.
-People shout "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.
-A week's worth of laundry consists of five T-shirts, five pairs of socks, and five pairs of underwear.
-You've ever referred to Tuesday as "My weekend".
-You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

 

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doc.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'No problem,' replied the doc. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee.
He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went' the doc explained.

It was a week later when she called the doc, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doc.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face,
a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging
fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me
cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doc, 'Do you
mean the sex your husband provided wasn't
good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've
had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin'
here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again.

 

I saw my fat neighbor lady sitting on porch yesterday, so I crept up behind her and pushed her. She went end over end all the way down the steps. I had no real reason to do this.

But that sow I roll.

 

That's when the fight started

 

(This one was better with pictures, but I'll post it anyway).



Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel,has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran.

Ruled by nuts.

 

If you are over 35 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test




How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S















******** Answers ********


1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert

 

My wife had a near death experience on sunday, the silly cow thought she could do the vacuuming while the football finals were on.

Bought the wife some crotch-less knickers for halloween, nothing sexual mind just gives her better grip on her broomstick.

My mate always cries after sex, then again he is in prison.

Treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day, must say i'm very pleased with the results those piranhas don't muck around.

Humped my best mates wife last night and today i feel awful, she must have had the flu or something.

That's the last time i use my sean connery accent to tell my wife to sit on my face.

 

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my little four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“I only wish it were.” Dave continued," but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender!

“No, it’s not!” said Dave.

"The little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms!”

 

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ' Could you take the dog for a walk.'

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

 

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.