Humor Thread

Paranormal studies class proffesor started his new class with a question.
"any one here believe in ghosts"... all of the class raises their hands. thats about normal though the prof. "has anyone ever anyone here ever seen a ghost" about 85% raise their hands. "thats normal thinks the prof. "has anyone ever talked to a ghost?" about half the class raised their hands. normal again thought the prof. "how about touched a ghost?" about a 1/4 normal again....."now this is the big question, has anyone had sexual relations with a ghost?" Way in the back of the auditorium he sees one hand,"stand up young man and give me your name. the youngman stand up and says "it s Billy Bob sir. the professor replies well in all the years of teaching this class Billy Bob, youare the first to have said that you have had sex with a ghost." "Sex with a ghost?" Billy questioned back, " I thought you said GOATS"

 

1.A day without sunshine is like night.
2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck
happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

=========================================================


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


=========================================================

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend... but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

I love engineer jokes since usually only like minded individuals get them.


on that note...

Top 10 reasons to Date an Engineer

10. They are used to all nighters
9. They are always willing to experiment
8. They know how to increase and decrease friction
7. They know all about heat transfer
6. They do it with more torque
5. Engineering couples have better moments
4. They know how to deal with stress and strain
3. They know how to test their rigid cantilevers
2. "Lubrication, friction, and wear" is a class
1. They design and build large erections

 

Little Johnny comes home from school and says "Dad I got in trouble at school today". Dad says "What now?".

"Well in math class teacher asked what is three times two, I said six"

"Then she asked what is two times three"

Dad says "Hell that's the same fuckin thing"

Johnny says "Thats what I told her"

 

Bedtime at the Neverland Ranch:

When the big hand is on the little hand.

 

anyone missing a cat?

if anyone's missing a cat, this probably isn't it...

 

Ok...

So this redhead walks up to her blonde sister and says, "hey sis, I slept with a Brazilian man"...

Blonde replies "YOU SLUT! How many is a brazilian?"

:biggrin:

 

LMFAO that's priceless

 

Q: What's red and has seven dents in it?
A: Snow White's cherry.

 

The local drunk heads into his favorite bar.

Bartender says"John what are you drinking tonight".

John replies back "I'll have water this evening, I got so fricken drunk last night I went home and blew Chunks".

The bartender says "Sorry to hear that". To which John replies "Me too, Chunks is my dog".

 

Long joke, but worth it

Long One:

So this guy walks into a bar, and sees a donkey in the corner. sign on the pen says "make the donkey laugh, get a free beer"... guy waits in line as patrons try over and over, all failing. Finally, it's his turn, so he takes the donkey aside, whispers in his ear, and the donkey starts LAUGHIN HYSTERICALLY.
guy walks up to the bar and requests his free beer. bartender gives it up, guy drinks and leaves.
Next week, he comes in and there's a new sign, "make the donkey STOP laughin, get a free beer." guy takes the donkey behind a curtain, few moments later donkey comes out all teary eyed from cryin'.
Guy walks up to the bar and requests his beer. the bartender says "how'd you do it man?"
Guy says, "last week, I told him my dick was longer than his. this week I proved it."

 

More intriguing than humourous:
A Hotel clerk books in three men to a room which as $30.00 per night. Each man paid $10.00. The hotel manager later tells the clerk the room was only $25.00 and to return $5.00 to the men.

The clerk thinks to himself that $5.00 cannot be divided by three. So he gives each of the three men $1.00 back and kept two for himself. This takes up the $5.00 overpayment so the books look fine.

But...the men have now paid $9.00 each for this room. The clerk pocketed $2.00. So 3 time $9.00 = $27.00. $27.00 plus the two the clerk kept + $29.00. Originally the men paid $10.00 each equalling $30.00. Where is the last dollar?

 

Cheers gave me my first coffee spit of the week. :smile:

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back there's someone in the other stall who keeps answering my questions. "

 

:thumbsup: he he he he!!

 

A blonde took a blouse into the dry cleaner to drop it off. The little Asian lady behind the counter said "Okay, come again!"
The blonde replied "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosy bitch!"

 

For all you boob men...women too for that matter. WTF this is the new millenium.

 

LMFAO

This is an actual sign in Michigan

 

Been There, Done That!!!


We also have a Paradise, MI in the Upper Peninsula and yes, there is a motorcycle rally called the Hell to Paradise run:thumbsup: